What can I say about Darrel that I haven't mentioned many times over the past ten years? YES, IT HAS BEEN TEN YEARS! Judging by the size of this Blog, apparently quite a bit! Darrel's smile, wit, laugh, and wisdom beyond his years are always with me in the present day, even though in reality this happened more and more in my distant past. That is the way it is when we lose someone close to us...we try to hold on tightly to the memories we shared with that person. Of course, being a bereaved parent, this process is greatly intensified. This is not to say our grief is necessarily greater to losses suffered by others, but it is certainly different. Parents in my situation are more or less the sole caretakers of all that child was, of all that child will ever be, and held the greatest dreams of what that child could have been. Whoever said "Time heals all wounds" has never dealt with what many of us have had to endure. but some days it feels like 10 minutes ago. This all seemed to be having an effect on me earlier this year than in the past. Just because the Calendar tells me September 9th is around the corner, and 2007 was a decade ago, I have been waking up feeling a bit different lately. The Mind is a mysterious thing...a certain day, a certain place, a certain sound, or a certain smell will bring it all flooding back with no way of controlling it. I've said it before, and I'll say it again, as much as these times upset me, a part of me is glad they do...if they ever don't, I won't have only lost Darrel, I'll have lost myself as well.
No one will ever spend more time, or know more about that child than his/her parents. We were their World, and they were ours. Because of this, many parents like myself often struggle and go to great lengths to safeguard all of the precious and brief moments that were spent with that child. Some say that the Greatest Fear a Grieving Parent has is that their child will be forgotten, even by themselves in some way. I believe this to be true, and very much the case. That is why I do these blogs. Darrel is always with me in the here and now. I retell stories that will often make me sad, and miss him more, but at the same time can bring a smile to my face, as I know I had a Front Row seat to the life of such a remarkable young man...from the very beginning until the far too soon conclusion. Only his mother and I will ever to able to say that. My Blogs may introduce Darrel to those who will never get to meet him, but they also serve as a back-up memory for me. Try as I might, I can not possibly remember it all that happened over the years. Revisiting older Posts also gives me insights into what was going through my own mind as the events continued to unfold. I am thankful they are a resource I can call upon now, and in the future.
Cancer, in its many forms, has no doubt touched the lives of almost everyone reading this Post. Currently, I have two people close to me who are under going treatments at Grand River Hospital in Kitchener. I have found myself walking the halls of a hospital that I haven't been in for 10 years. For 2 years, if Darrel wasn't at Home, he was either at the Hospital for Sick Children in Toronto, or at Grand River Hospital. The Staff in Kitchener treated him like a King every time he was there, and this is greatly appreciated by me still to this day (Special thanks to Dr. Wilson and Nurse Patti for even making a special visit to Fergus on Darrel's last day). I know that these people I care about are in excellent hands at this facility.
With the discussion that central venous catheter might need to be put in place for one of them to receive their chemotherapy, Darrel's voice immediately shouted in my mind "It's A Hickman!!" There are several kinds of Central Line ports that are commonly used during cancer treatments, such as a Double-Lumen or a Hickman. For Darrel, it was a Hickman Line. He was always very observant when the nurses came in to give him medications or flush his line while in the hospital, and Darrel could easily tell if a nurse was not entirely sure how to proceed. This was mainly at Grand River, as they did not have a separate Ward for Children's Oncology (therefore the Staff wouldn't be as familiar with all the equipment), but it did happen occasionally in Toronto as well. If Darrel felt the nurse was hesitating for too long, he would not so calmly let her know that she was in fact dealing with a Hickman! The nurse would then look at either parent in the room for confirmation, then continue to complete the tasks at hand. He was never too shy to inform them if he believed something wasn't being done properly, as they literally had his life in their hands. As Doctor Darrel's intuition was usually correct, I couldn't really tell him not to voice his concerns.
In moments of personal reflection, I think most of us look back upon our lives, regardless of how old we are at the time, and try and pinpoint the turning points that happened to us, and that set us off in a new direction. These could range from the Happy: Graduation; New Job; Marriage; Birth of your First Child...to the Sad: Medical Issue; Accident; Divorce; or Death of a Loved One. Having contended with all of these, in varying degrees, losing Darrel ten years ago today has, and will always have the greatest impact on all that I am, and all that I will be. I am NOT living in the past, though I've been told that more than once, but the memories of the loss and pain thrust upon myself and my family that day can not be overlooked or understated! I am confident that there are many more Highs and Lows ahead of me, but I sincerely doubt any will match far reaching scope of THAT day. I continue to move forward and move on, but to close the Door on that part of my past would be impossible to achieve, not that I would ever try to.
Love and Miss You Little Man
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Other Things To Mention
- For another year, Darrel's Playground was pleased to serve as the Canadian Administrator for the International Neuroblastoma Awareness Week, which ran from June 12 - June 18, 2017. Thank You to everyone who Liked, Shared, and/or Posted on our Facebook and Twitter Pages.
https://www.facebook.com/NBawarenessweek/
- Childhood Cancer Canada relaunched their Hero Shirt Program this year, and Darrel once again was included (in the "E"). Thank You to everyone who purchased a shirt. Orders can still be made at:
https://teesforthepeople.com/products/i-love
- The remaining Legal Matters between Darrel's mother and I were finally resolved this past July. Though not everything turned out the way I had hoped, having Kira, Lauren and Darrel all under the same roof as me once again makes the entire drawn out procedure worthwhile in the long run.
Here is a Link to an Article I found on Grieving Parents:
https://themighty.com/2016/01/the-greatest-fear-of-a-grieving-parent/
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Please remember to Go Gold in September for Childhood Cancer Awareness Month. With your support, we can move Together Towards A Cure!
"As my memory rests
But never forgets what I lost
Wake Me Up When September Ends" ~ Green Day
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