​Darrel would often call out "Freedom" when I arrived to take him Home after a lengthy stay at SickKids in Toronto, or Grand River in Kitchener. This of course, was preceded by usually telling me that I took too long to arrive, as he had been impatiently waiting for me to get there. At 4:06 PM, 15 years ago today, some would argue that Darrel received his Final Freedom. My son was now free from pain. free from suffering, and free from the utter Hell neuroblastoma had put him through for the previous two long years. More religious people than I would often say that Darrel was "now in a better place", or that "God had different plans for him", and/or "Called him Home early". How could there ever be a more "better place" for a 7-year-old boy than being with his family that loved him, and tried to do anything and everything they possibly could do to protect him and keep him safe?

Is this truly the kind of Freedom anyone would desire if given a choice? I am in no way trying to belittle those who find comfort and solace in their faith of choice, but after you cradle the small and frail body of your son seconds after his last breath, it is more than a struggle to try and find sense in it all, as if it was part of some Grand Design. That moment would, has, and is constantly redefining everything about who I was, and who I would become. It is unavoidable to not be altered in some way after dealing with that kind of loss. Whether a person attempts to move forward, by finding strength in embracing the pain, or by attempting to push the sadness of their loss away to cope with it all, it is a choice only that individual can make. Over these many years, I've been in contact with grieving parents that have traveled down each of these paths, along with many variations in between. It is not my place, or anyone else's, to question the moral rightness of any of these decisions, even if we can relate first-hand to some of what they have been through. After all, even 15 years later, I still have moments when I question my own actions and reactions, as the "What Ifs" never...ever completely go away.

As I mentioned in my last Blog, Darrel's sister Lauren was married this past June. It was a beautiful sunny and warm day in Hamilton, ideally perfect for the Royal Botanical Gardens location. Lauren and Jacob (but most likely it was more Lauren) had everything planned out to the last minute, and the last detail. Walking my daughter down the aisle was a very proud moment, yet it probably made me feel older than when I turned 50 in 2021! Lauren had taken extra care to include both Darrel and her Grandma Robb at the reception. In addition to mentioning them in her Speech, a "Wishing You Were Here" Memorial Table was set up in the Hall. This was a thoughtful and moving gesture for me, and especially my father. I had given him a 'heads-up" about her planning to do this, but hearing Lauren's words, and seeing the Photos was more overwhelming than he expected them to be. Later this month, it will be 5 years since my mother passed, and we all miss her deeply. For Lauren to set aside a part of her "Big Day" for them was simply amazing.

Another Milestone was reached a few days ago, as Darrel's dog Lady turned 17! There have been several serious health scares over the past couple of years, but Lady has shown great resilience, and somehow bounced back. Unfortunately, sooner or later, Old Age can and will catch up to her, but today is not that day.

Although it certainly doesn't look like much, and can't provide any real comfort at all, Lady often still curls up in the Classic Pooh Blanket that was on Darrel's bed from the time he was a baby. It is in complete tatters now, with little to none of the plush stuffing that once filled it, or have it's vibrant colours. I only wash it now by hand when needed, as I doubt it would survive a trip through the Washing Machine!

This is a connection between Darrel and Lady that the Blanket embodies to me, so I still keep it around. I doubt Lady shares any such memories of this Blanket after all this time, as she can barely see anymore, and any tangible tie to Darrel has long been removed over the many, many washes since it became one of the Dog Blankets. Yet, it means something to me, and that's all that really matters.

Thank You once again to everyone who continues to read these Blogs, and allowing me to share my thoughts and memories of Darrel with you all. 

Love and Miss You Little Man

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Here is my Blog about that day Darrel died. It is not a pleasant Read, but like many of my older entries, I do revisit it from time to time: http://www.darrelsplayground.com/blogs/sept-1507-the-day-darrel-died

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September is Childhood Cancer Awareness Month, so please consider turning your Social Media GOLD to honour all the children who have, are, and will battle one of the many forms of childhood cancer in the future.

It might seem odd to some of you that I still feel the need to Blog on Darrel's Birthday, even though it has almost been 15 years since his passing, but it will always feel like it was yesterday to me. Grief is a very complex, delicate, yet simplistic emotion for anyone to contend with. There have been countless studies and books dedicated to the subject, but there is no one answer, and no right or wrong way to react to such a loss (though scholars claim to have it all figured out). I've said it many times before, and I'll say it yet again...The Day that remembering my son does not cause some kind of reaction is the Day I know I'll need to seek help and/or counseling. I'm not one to dwell or live in the Past, but I am certainly not one to bury or bottle it up either.

With less than a month to go before my daughter's Wedding, all the preparations Lauren and Jacob have made are falling into place. As expected, the stress levels and anxieties are also starting to rise for everyone involved.  Thankfully, there are almost no COVID related restrictions left in place to add any additional obstacles to the proceedings. Many of the usual hiccups have had to be dealt with along the way, as well as some more specific to our current family dynamics. I'm hopefully optimistic that all concerned can put aside their past/current differences, if only momentarily, so that Lauren's Big Day can go as smoothly as possible. 

The absence of departed Loved Ones are always felt most around Holidays and other Family Gatherings, so I was touched when the Bride told me that there would be a small Memorial Table set-up at the Reception Hall to remember both Darrel and my Mom (who passed away in 2017). It says a lot about how much of a young woman she has become to make sure they are included as well. Both Kira and Lauren had to endure a lot early in their lives, with the loss of their brother, and later, their parent's separation. The fact that they have grown, adapted, and thrived through it all is a great testament to how strong each of them is. Proud Father Moment to be sure!

Speaking of Lauren, when she turned 22 two years ago, she...er...serenaded us with an interesting Karaoke version of Taylor Swift's "22", along with a few other songs. I'll never what kind of music Darrel would have been listening to on his 22nd Birthday today, or if he would have liked performing Karaoke with his friends. I have quite a wide and diverse love of music, but this wasn't always shared by everyone back in the day, so it's impossible to guess which direction he would have gone. Over the years, there are a couple of songs that I have attached my memories of Darrel to, even though on the surface, there really isn't any connection to him at all. When I hear them on the radio or on my iTunes Playlist, they can stir up lots of different emotions, but as I said before, I'm glad they still can have some kind of impact on me. 

Thank You once again for taking a moment to help me remember Darrel on his birthday. Many reading this will have never met him, but may feel as though they did after reading some of my Blogs over the years.

Happy Birthday Darrel

Love and Miss You Little Man 

P.S. For some reason, Darrel often called Lauren "Mummer". No idea how he came up with that...but he did. 


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Just A Reminder that the International Neuroblastoma Awareness Week will be taking place from June 13th to June 19th, 2022

http://www.facebook.com/NBawarenessweek 

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