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Sept 9/16 - Photos In A Frame

9/9/2016

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​Nine years...How is that even possible of being how long Darrel has been gone???  Milestones are supposed to be reached for pleasant memories and events, yet September 9th is not a happy time for reflection, but most certainly worthy of remembering.  I always try and post a Blog on May 26th and September 9th, but as the years go by, there is so little new to say about Darrel that hasn't been said countless times.  I can proudly talk about what Kira and Lauren have currently been up to, which I will always do, but when it comes to Darrel, that just can't be done.  

On my wall, there are graduation pictures hanging of both my daughters, but there will never be one for my son, not even one of the cheesy and almost pointless photos they now take for graduating kindergarten (though I ordered them and cherish them all the same). With each passing year, the photo of a young boy in between photos of two young women may seem out of place at first glance.  When new visitors come over to the apartment, looking at these pictures is often their initial introduction to the fact our family is missing an important piece that can not be ever found. Every picture tells a story, but there are very few people that actually want to know the story that goes along with contents of my photo albums. When it comes to childhood cancer, or facing the reality that there are very sick children in a modern and prosperous country like Canada, most people would rather change the subject or the TV channel.  That is a luxury and an option that I can never have again.  To have no pictures of Darrel up would be a disservice to his memory, but to deny any of your children their rightful place in your life and in your heart, whether living or deceased is something that I will never do, or understand.  There is nothing you can do or say that will ever fully and completely replace what has been lost, though some choices could make the void seem more manageable to some people. 

September is Childhood Cancer Awareness Month, and for many families, this week marked the beginning of the new school year. Darrel probably would have been entering Grade 12, with all the uncertainty and big decisions on what and where you would be headed after you received your diploma.  For Darrel's sisters, they have their near future paths already mapped out for themselves. Kira is back in St. Catharines for her second year at Brock University.  In addition to her studies, she has taken on a Residence Don position, which I'm sure she will excel at, and provide her with invaluable experiences for both her personal and career development. Lauren will be starting her apprenticeship at a company in Guelph next week, which will be equally rewarding for her as well.

Not much has changed in my situation since my last post.  I am somewhat hopeful that all the remaining legal matters can be resolved sooner rather than later, but this optimism is tainted with the reality that it takes the willingness of both parties to move things to a successful conclusion. While I am open to re-entering the Dating Scene, so much has changed since that last time I was 'available', it is both an exciting and scary prospect at the same time.  I may not be considered old, but I certainly won't be categorized as been that young either.  Life has given me quite a few unexpected twists and turns thus far, and I'm sure many more lay ahead in my future. Approaching each day and each situation with no expectations is really about all any of us can do, but that is often easier said than done.


Thank you once again to everyone who continues to be there when I need a sounding wall, or even a shoulder to lean on.  It is greatly appreciated.

Love and Miss You Little Man


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Sept 10/16

​September 9th Follow Up: Yesterday, I did receive a few messages from friends worried about my state of mind, as they felt some of my posts were too dark. While their concern was genuine and appreciated, it was lacking in understanding of what I, and many other parents who have lost a child (or even losing their children) must cope with on a daily basis.

My Blog yesterday talked about the pictures on my Wall and in my Photo Albums. Those photos I decide to Post on Social Media show usually show Darrel with a smile and that amazing twinkle in his eyes. I have others that I do not share, with his eyes deeply sunken in, his frail bones almost visible through his skin, and the look of pain on his face that would give you nightmares. The smiles may be easier for you to view, but I know what was going on with his health and treatments when they were taken, and know what Darrel was enduring behind that brave face...so those photos are as painful to me as the ones I do not show. Every picture does tell a story, but even after all I have shared in blogs and pictures over the years, there is so much of the story you will never know.

While I post about Childhood Cancer throughout the year, on September the 9th, I give myself permission to feel everything, and open up the flood gates of emotion that I try to contain the rest of the year. Posting about Bacon, Star Trek, or Music are all fine and good, but there is a sadness within me that will never disappear, though I do not willing put it on display most of the time.

I do not let what has happened to Darrel and my Family dictate everything I do, but it IS part of everything I do all the same. Your concern is appreciated, but a few comments crossed the line into judging me, which I will not tolerate from anyone who has not experienced exactly all that I have...and I am the only person that can say that.
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If you can not grasp what I am attempting to convey here, please feel free to remove yourselves from this Page. I realize most of your intentions were good, but that is not how they came across on my end.
Thank You



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May 26/16 - Sixteen...Yet Still Seven

5/26/2016

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Today we should be celebrating the fine young man Darrel had become at the age of 16, and talk with great optimism about what may transpire in the many years ahead of him.  Instead, I can only remember our far too short time together, a journey of a life that could have been, and the "what ifs" that never have, and never will go completely away.  Some days it can be quite challenging to live in the present when someone so very important to you exists now only in the past.  To let these emotions continually overpower you can leave you unwilling and/or unable to help yourself or those around you, but to attempt to compartmentalize them is both a disservice to the memory of your lost loved one, and to the person that you have become after suffering such a loss.  Physical scars are easy enough for the World to see, but it the emotional ones that lie not so deeply below the surface that are usually the more formidable to endure. 

I have previously mentioned that it is bittersweet when these emotional scars bubble over, especially when I am not in a private setting.  This happened again over this past Easter (like with most people, holiday times can be a wee more touchy for me) while I was at Work.  A co-worker showed me a picture of his father and himself doing a silly Father and Son kind of thing.  He then asked if I wished I had a son to do something like that with...I was simultaneously so angry (not necessarily at him, but at cards Life had dealt me) and overcome with sadness at the same time.  He knew immediately that he has chosen his words poorly, and proceeded to avoid eye contact with me for the remainder of that shift, just to be on the safe side (which was probably a good idea).  Darrel was taken from us almost 9 years ago now, but a stray word, thought, or image still has such an incredible power over me.  Though it pains me at the time, moments like this are strangely comforting to me, as they show that even though I've suffered a great loss, I have not lost everything, or myself.

There have been several new developments and changes since I last posted.  The legal process to reach a Separation Agreement with Rebecca is ongoing at its almost snail-like pace.  It is most unfortunate that there continues to be delays and roadblocks, as the matters remaining seem rather straight forward to resolve, at least from my perspective.  Neither of us have any desire to turn back the clock and attempt to reset our relationship, and other events have now made that quite impossible to happen even if the will was there. Hopefully these issues can come to a conclusion in the near future, so both Rebecca and I, along with Kira and Lauren, no longer will have the uncertainties that such a situation creates hanging over us any longer. 

Kira has successfully finished her first year at Brock University, and has been back in Fergus for about a month now.  It is wonderful to have the three of us (five if you include the two dogs) together under the same roof again, even if it is only until mid August.  Lauren only has a few weeks until she graduates from high school, and is already anticipating starting in the Fall at the apprenticeship she received at a company in Guelph.  I'm sure Darrel would be as proud as I am of all his sisters' accomplishments.

I now find it more difficult to come to terms with everything when Darrel's birthday comes around than on the anniversary of his passing in September.  May 26th meant something to everyone in my family when Darrel was with us.  There are happy things to recall about each of the seven birthdays he was here with us....the excitement before, during and after opening his presents...eagerly awaiting the end of the Birthday Song so he could finally blow out the candles...the mess made while eating the cake...and of course, the privately (well, sort of) counting of all the "Cash Money" he had received too.  While both May 26th and September 9th are dates that stand out (not that I'll ever need any kind of reminder) on the calendar, his birthday, with no song to be sung, stomps on my heart a bit more.  The fact that my son isn't with me is more front and centre on a day that I know should be unfolding quite differently. September 9th rips me apart too, but until 2007, it held no significance or value to me personally.  I can not forsee any possible new good times to be associated with May 26th ever again.

I am not the same person I was 16 years ago, when Darrel was born...or 11 years ago when I heard the word neuroblastoma for the first time...or 9 years ago when I held my son for the last time...or 2 years ago when my marriage collapsed.  Everything that has happened, and will happen will help to define who I am, but does not dictate who I MUST be.  To deny any part of my past is something I will never do.  To break off all communication, or to lock the doors on anyone who has been close to me for reasons I'll never understand is something I will never do.  My life is a combination of all the decisions I have ever made.  Of course there are regrets, but that does not mean I can not learn and evolve from them to make a better me.  That is what I strive for, and I believe it is what Darrel would hope and expect his family to strive for as well.


Happy Birthday Darrel

Love and Miss You Little Man


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Darrel's Playground surpassed 33,000 Hits on May 22, 2016.  Thank You
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    The majority of all these entries were written by Darrel's father, Stephen.  For those that are not, efforts have been made to give proper credit where it is due.

    The bulk of the posts are in the June 2011 Archives Section, as that is when I transferred them over to this site.  Category Tags should allow you to find entries easier.

    I've tried to correct spacing issues on many of the entries, as most of the older ones have been copied from different sites I've used in the past. I apologize if some have been overlooked.

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