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May 26/23 - Pathways

5/26/2023

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​Life is full of constant changes. At 23, where would Darrel be today? For many parents, at this point in their children's lives, the paths they have chosen to take could give a clearer indication of what the road in front of them might turn out to be. Decisions about education, employment, and even long-term relationships may have already been made by now. I've been so proud and amazed to see both Kira and Lauren grow, mature, and prosper over the years (not without the occasional setback of course), but for Darrel, I will forever be left to wonder. Over the past couple of days, I've gone through my usual birthday preparation 'rituals' of restocking the Ring Pops (as I will never forget that one time there weren't any around), making sure there is Apple Juice in the fridge, and the going to McDonald's for a McNugget Feast...but if he were still here, I would have undoubtedly stopped doing all of these things YEARS ago. But if cancer had not taken from us, would I be attending another post-secondary graduation this year, helping him move in with friends (probably not "the boy with the dinosaur shirt") or someone special, perhaps getting ready for another Robb Wedding, or even the arrival of a grandchild??? These are only a small fraction of the countless Life Choices Darrel would never ever have to consider making. Because his time for us was cut so very short, it is impossible for me to even start to think about what might have been...yet I often find myself lying in bed at night doing that exact thing! I don't dwell in the Past, but the Past is the only place where my son still exists, so my mind does take me again and again.

For Darrel's sisters, their paths continue to move forward with changes as well. Last Fall, Kira received her Masters from Brock University, and currently has a Full Time position with Campus Administration. At the beginning of the year, Lauren and her new husband moved out to Alberta, starting completely fresh in almost every way possible. I'm hoping to visit them over the Summer, but with Wildfires ravaging that province right now, it will have to wait for the time being. 

Another change closer to home was the passing of Darrel's dog Lady back in October. In my last Blog, I spoke of some of the health issues she had been having, and it finally came to the point where we needed to say goodbye to her. Over her 17 years, Lady truly became a loved member of our family (though I often would not admit that, as I wasn't the one who wanted a dog...ever). We still have Lady's daughter Bella (and my father has her son Baxter), who will be turning 12 this coming July. So in a way, Darrel's desire to have a dog in our family 18 years ago still resonates through Lady's puppies being here today.

Changes can come when and how you least expect them to, and we all do the best we can when the moment arrives. It still surprises me when people ask how I managed to get through all that I have had to contend with (some things you know about, while others I have never shared), the true and simple answer is "I had no choice". All of us have, are, and/or will face obstacles that seem too big and over-powering to ever come to terms with at, but the support of family and friends can help lessen the burden on all concerned. Hopefully, if you find yourself in a situation like that, you will be able to find a pathway through for yourself and your loved ones. It may not be easy, but nobody ever said that life was easy.

Happy Birthday Darrel

Love and Miss You Little Man


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Just A Reminder that the International Neuroblastoma Awareness Week will be taking place from June 12th to June 18th, 2023

http://www.facebook.com/NBawarenessweek 
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May 26/22 - Mummer's Big Day

5/26/2022

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It might seem odd to some of you that I still feel the need to Blog on Darrel's Birthday, even though it has almost been 15 years since his passing, but it will always feel like it was yesterday to me. Grief is a very complex, delicate, yet simplistic emotion for anyone to contend with. There have been countless studies and books dedicated to the subject, but there is no one answer, and no right or wrong way to react to such a loss (though scholars claim to have it all figured out). I've said it many times before, and I'll say it yet again...The Day that remembering my son does not cause some kind of reaction is the Day I know I'll need to seek help and/or counseling. I'm not one to dwell or live in the Past, but I am certainly not one to bury or bottle it up either.

With less than a month to go before my daughter's Wedding, all the preparations Lauren and Jacob have made are falling into place. As expected, the stress levels and anxieties are also starting to rise for everyone involved.  Thankfully, there are almost no COVID related restrictions left in place to add any additional obstacles to the proceedings. Many of the usual hiccups have had to be dealt with along the way, as well as some more specific to our current family dynamics. I'm hopefully optimistic that all concerned can put aside their past/current differences, if only momentarily, so that Lauren's Big Day can go as smoothly as possible. 

The absence of departed Loved Ones are always felt most around Holidays and other Family Gatherings, so I was touched when the Bride told me that there would be a small Memorial Table set-up at the Reception Hall to remember both Darrel and my Mom (who passed away in 2017). It says a lot about how much of a young woman she has become to make sure they are included as well. Both Kira and Lauren had to endure a lot early in their lives, with the loss of their brother, and later, their parent's separation. The fact that they have grown, adapted, and thrived through it all is a great testament to how strong each of them is. Proud Father Moment to be sure!

Speaking of Lauren, when she turned 22 two years ago, she...er...serenaded us with an interesting Karaoke version of Taylor Swift's "22", along with a few other songs. I'll never what kind of music Darrel would have been listening to on his 22nd Birthday today, or if he would have liked performing Karaoke with his friends. I have quite a wide and diverse love of music, but this wasn't always shared by everyone back in the day, so it's impossible to guess which direction he would have gone. Over the years, there are a couple of songs that I have attached my memories of Darrel to, even though on the surface, there really isn't any connection to him at all. When I hear them on the radio or on my iTunes Playlist, they can stir up lots of different emotions, but as I said before, I'm glad they still can have some kind of impact on me. 

Thank You once again for taking a moment to help me remember Darrel on his birthday. Many reading this will have never met him, but may feel as though they did after reading some of my Blogs over the years.

Happy Birthday Darrel

Love and Miss You Little Man 

P.S. For some reason, Darrel often called Lauren "Mummer". No idea how he came up with that...but he did. 


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Just A Reminder that the International Neuroblastoma Awareness Week will be taking place from June 13th to June 19th, 2022

http://www.facebook.com/NBawarenessweek 

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May 26/21 - Forever A Parent

5/26/2021

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As COVID-19 continues to evolve, mutate, and alter what societies around the world consider to be the "New Normal" for their populations, I still constantly cast my gaze back to May 26, 2000...the day Darrel was born. While I am not stuck in the past, a large part of my conscious and unconscious mind will remain firmly placed within those brief seven years Darrel was with us. I would certainly never try to diminish anyone's grief over their loss of a loved one, but losing a child is on a completely different scale. A parent's sole purpose is to protect and nurture their child, through all that may come their way, all the joys and pains...and every moment in between. The death of a child, especially at a young age, is utterly devastating, but the grief also comes layered with a sense of guilt and defeat. What could and should I have done differently??? What if this action was taken or not taken....Would the outcome have been changed...Would my son still be with me today???  I know we did everything we could for Darrel, but there will always be the same nagging question...Could we have done more???  These are the thoughts that I live with daily, but I allow myself to openly consider them at least every May 26th and September 9th.  It may not be healthy to always dwell on those times, but I truly feel that to not think about them at all would definitely cause more harm to me in the long run.

On a happier note, I am pleased to announce (for those of you not on Facebook) that Darrel's sister Lauren got engaged back in November 2020! This was/is Great News, and I certainly wish to congratulate Lauren and Jacob, and offer them All My Best for their Future together!!  As with almost everything nowadays, COVID will play a significant role in deciding how and when their  forthcoming wedding will unfold. Regardless of all that is happening around them, it is reassuring to see that people are still living in the moment, and dreaming of their futures the way only young couples in love can do.

Kira has been accepted to the Masters Program at Brock University, and will continue her studies there in the Fall. Thanks to her excellent grades, she has received many Scholarships and Grants along the way, so her hard work on her educational endeavours has provided some financial benefits along the way too. Another Proud Father Moment to be sure! When all that is said and done, she will have actually spent 21 consecutive years in School!! Don't think she really appreciated that fact after I pointed it out, but it's True (Funny how it seems...Optional). 

I could also not escape the passage of time and personal reflection last month, as I celebrated my 50th Birthday! I remember how old I thought my father was when he turned 50 in 1996, but reaching that milestone myself...it isn't that old at all! I should add, that even to this day, my father expects a call to tell him I've made it Home safely if I've been driving a long distance out of town! He is still always looking out for me now, regardless of how old I get, or even how old he gets.

While so much is behind me (The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly), there is so much to look forward to as well. With the Love and Support of my family and friends, I embark ready to embrace whatever Life happens to send my way...but not so many Curve Balls please! A Special Thanks go out to Kim, Kira, and Lauren for the Birthday/Easter Combo Party they held for me that weekend. With all the COVID Restrictions in place, I'm sure it was more of a challenge than it otherwise would have been. 

On what would have /could have/should have been Darrel's 21st Birthday, it is hard to even begin to imagine what his life would look like today...along with how all of our lives would have been dramatically different if he had not been taken from us back in 2007. All that we ever were, and all that we would ever be was set on a different course on the day in 2005 when he was diagnosed with neuroblastoma. But today is his birthday, so I'll focus on happier times, yet be saddened that the opportunity to make new memories with my son were forever stolen from me and our family.

A Parent's Love should not change with the passage of time. Kira, Lauren and Darrel are as much in my heart and in my thoughts as the day each of them were born. Of course, Blogs like this are really only express those emotions as far as Darrel is concerned, but that certainly does not mean they are any greater or lesser than for my daughters. For those that would say different...they don't really know me, or know what being a true parent actually is all about!

Happy Birthday Darrel

Love and Miss You Little Man

"In the back of my mind
You live all the time
In the back of my mind
Every night, Every day
That's where you still play
In the back of my mind"

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Just a Reminder that International Neuroblastoma Awareness Week is just around the corner: June 14th - June 20th, 2021

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Darrel's Playground is just about to reach 55,000 Hits. Thank You for your continued Support.


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May 26/20 - Wake Me Up...Twenty Years Has Gone So Fast

5/26/2020

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Today should be the day I officially no longer have a teenager to call my own, but in reality, because of neuroblastoma, that happened when Lauren turned 20 back in November 2018.  With the COVID-19 Pandemic we are currently going through, there would not have been much of a party allowed to happen now, but I'm sure Darrel would found a way to celebrate his 20th Birthday with his friends (probably not Gavin..The Boy with the Dinosaur shirt), possible girlfriend, and hypothetically my future daughter-in-law...but none of this was meant to be. But I do clearly remember the day he was born: the warm May afternoon at Groves Memorial Hospital; the fact that I got quite dizzy standing beside his mother (which was odd because I was perfectly fine with Kira and Lauren {though Grandma Webers passed out in the Delivery Room with Kira}...so I'll blame the heat in the Room...it's my Blog, so I can say that if I want to); the surprise and joy from Grandma and Grandpa Robb when we arrived with him back at the House (they were looking after Kira and Lauren) so soon after he was born (we weren't kept at the hospital afterwards long enough to even call them to let them know about his arrival...Cell phones still weren't that common of a thing back in 2000); and the wonder and awe as his sisters got to hold him for the very first time.  Of course, these memories have been tainted by those of September 9, 2007, when the Amazing Journey that started 20 years ago today came to an abrupt and unforgettable conclusion. In between those two dates, there were many times of joy and sadness, laughter and tears, and a wide range of every other emotion a person could possibly feel. Each moment will be with me forever, because those brief 7 years were all I was given with him, therefore every little story packs so much more meaning than it probably would otherwise.

Since my last Blog, Kira has completed her first year at Teachers College, though it was prematurely shortened due to the Coronavirus Outbreak. Much like with everyone else, this has caused confusion and uncertainty over how things will unfold for her in the future.  It is impossible for her to find the answers to the questions she has, because nobody knows what might happen tomorrow, next week, or next month.  We, as a Society, are all in Limbo, but for young people who were just beginning to embark on the next phase of their lives, this lack of any clear direction and focus can be even more unsettling.

Speaking of diving into the unknown, before the World was sent into all this turmoil, Lauren and Jacob bought a house in Guelph last Fall! This was a major step for both of them, and I would like to once again congratulate them on how they have handled things thus far. Fortunately they both have jobs where they were able to keep working through all that has happened over the past two months...the expenses and bills after such an undertaking have most likely been quite staggering.  Never been one to keep things the same for long, Lauren also adopted a dog shortly after moving into their new Home, welcoming Bailey to our extended family.

Being deemed an "Essential Worker" has also been quite the experience for me since March. Nobody would have predicted how important being employed at a grocery store would become through this Pandemic.  Other than in the Medical Field, very few businesses were allowed to remain open, so it was quite stressing emotionally and mentally through those early days and weeks. Society had to learn how to adapt and react as the situation evolved on an almost daily basis. Some people were able to make and deal with changes better than others, and we had to contend with both nearly every Shift at Work.  There are many stories I could tell, but this is hardly the Forum in which to do so. With Ontario doing a partial Re-Open last week, the lessons learned by the Food Retail Sector will now be applied in other sectors of the Economy. The Virus can only be controlled so much through social distancing and closures, so the road ahead will probably still have many more bumps for us all.

In conclusion, I'd like to once again say "Thank You" to all the people who have helped me along the way, and continue to support Darrel's Playground on the Website, on Facebook, and on Twitter (though I don't use it that much anymore).  It is greatly appreciated!


Happy Birthday Darrel!!!

Love and Miss You Little Man!!!


I'll keep with Tradition, and  I am still planning to have some Chicken McNuggets today, though I will need to go through the Drive-Thru. Due to COVID-19, customers are still not allowed inside McDonald's in Canada as of yet. Hoping this may change sooner rather than later.


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In Other News:

- The Darrel's Playground Website surpassed the 50,000 Hits mark on March 11th, which also happens to be Kira's Birthday. Thank You!

- Kira recently picked up The Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild for her new Nintendo Switch. Darrel's love with the Zelda Series started from playing it during his many long stays in the Hospital, so I'm always somewhat pleased when another of Link's adventures finds it's way into the family setting.

- The International Neuroblastoma Awareness Week is just around the corner once more, running from June 15th to June 21st, 2020.  Please consider visiting and joining our Facebook Page:  http://www.facebook.com/NBawarenessweek 


- COVID-19 has had an impact on everyone, especially those with loved ones with pre-existing medical conditions and/or in the high-risk demographics. Maintaining an acceptable Social Distance is a challenge enough for the rest of us, but for those in more delicate situations, it is truly a Life or Death necessity.  I still communicate with people in the Childhood Cancer Community, so I know firsthand what new and unfortunate dynamics this has meant to them, and how they battle their child's cancer treatments. Big Hugs of Support to each and every one of you!


WE'RE ALL IN THIS TOGETHER...STAY SAFE AND THINK SMART!!!

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As my memory rests
But never forgets what I lost...

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May 26/19 - Raise Your Glass

5/26/2019

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​Another May 26th has arrived, with no Birthday Boy to celebrate it with...but if Darrel was still here, he would certainly be a Birthday Man! Though I'm sure he would have snuck a beer (or more) before today, he would be able to go out to a bar and legally drink with his friends for the first time legally tonight.  I've never been a Drinker myself (except for that one weekend at Sauble Beach...Thanks Michelle), so the stereotypical Father and Son sharing a drink together likely wouldn't have happened anyways, but I probably would have made an exception on this particular day.  Like so many things, I'll never know.

Many people On-Line have been complaining recently about how they feel cheated and disappointed about the Games of Thrones Series Finale last weekend...but at least the characters from Westeros were given some kind of a conclusion to their saga over the eight Season run of the show (whether you were satisfied with it or not).  Darrel was not even given eight years with us...leaving us with Pages..No...Chapters...No...BOOKS left unwritten!  The Series often foreshadowed what was to come further down the road, but when Darrel was diagnosed with neuroblastoma at only the age of 5, there was so much potential that was to remain hidden, and never given a chance to reveal itself to anyone.  There will be no Brienne to complete Jaime's entry in the Kingsguard Chronicle, or no hope that George R.R. Martin will give the story arc a different ending when he finishes writing his final two books.  I've always had high aspirations for Kira, Lauren and Darrel, but with my son's journey coming to such a premature end,  it is almost impossible to guess what the roads he was meant to travel down could, would, and more importantly...SHOULD have been. 

Since my last Blog, both Kira and Lauren, as always, have continued to make me proud, as they blaze a trail on their own into the future.  Kira has now completed her fourth year at Brock University, with Honours, and will be back in St. Catharines in the Fall to attend Teacher's College.  With all the recent cuts to education by the Ontario Government, I hope the situation has reversed itself, or at least been stabilized by the time she graduates in two years time.  Lauren is continuing her Millwright Apprenticeship in Guelph, and has been enrolled in more courses at Conestoga College for the Fall Semester.  Keeping her passion for the Sport alive, Lauren's Baton Evolution from Athlete, to Coach to Judge has happened since my last entry.  Though she no longer needs me to drive her to the Competitions, or be there in the Stands to cheer her on, I still pop in to the odd event to catch up with the extended Superstar Family, and see Judge Lauren in action too. THAT is what Family is about...being there in the Good Times and the Bad, regardless if you are asked to be around, or if your presence is really required at all.

Today will be a day of McNuggets and Memories, and a day of Tears and Smiles.  Remembering the day Darrel was born is forever linked with the day he died...and all the far too short time in between those dates are treasured memories to me, and my family.  So Raise Your Glass to Darrel today.  Though he could legally have a beer now, I'll stick to his old favourite...Apple Juice.

Happy Birthday Darrel

Love and Miss You Little Man

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Our Darrel's Playground Website surpassed 47,000 Hits on May 21, 2019.  Thanks to everyone who has stopped by.  Obviously there isn't much new content anymore, but the Visits are appreciated all the same. 


International Neuroblastoma Awareness Week is coming soon: June 10th - June 16th, 2019

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May 26/18 - 18...and Life

5/26/2018

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​Eighteen is often a milestone age for a young adult: High School is behind them;  a possible year off to travel or work; saying goodbye to old friends that are no longer going in the same direction as them anymore; and/or preparing to meet new people that may become friends as they set off into a life filled with new experiences that will help define what life may have in future for them.  I was there to guide, assist and hopefully provide some helpful insights when this time arrived both of Darrel's sisters, but on days like his birthday, I am painfully reminded (though it is impossible for me to ever forget the other 364 days of the year) that this is a moment I have been denied sharing with my son.  For almost 11 years now, Darrel has not been physically here to be a part of our daily lives, but he has never, nor will he ever be absent from my thoughts on any given day.  Some might view that as a curse or unpleasant thing, but I am thankful for it.  Though I can not change anything that happened to Darrel, I most certainly will not deny it either.  To forget any part of that journey would be a disservice to his memory, and that of the countless children that have, are, and will face off against childhood cancers like neuroblastoma.

Since my last entry, I attended a group session with a couple of Mediums that was held in the area.  I have always been somewhat curious about such things, so I figured I would see first hand what it was all about.  The Mediums took turns connecting to any spirits that were in the Hall, then tried to find out who the messages they were receiving were meant for.  Some of the information was rather abstract, and could have really been applied to nearly any of us there, while in a few instances, the detailed and pinpoint accuracy of the connections clearly moved specific audience members to tears.  I was both relieved and disappointed that none of the messages in any way could be interpreted as holding a relevance my situation with either Darrel or my mother, who passed away last Fall.  I haven't ruled out having a private session with a Medium sometime down the road, but the possibility of sharing such a personal experience with a bunch of strangers would be much more unnerving to comprehend.

With Kira now completed her third year at Brock University, it's nice to once again have someone to keep me company here, other than Lady and Bella.  Lady gave us quite a scare a few months ago.  Darrel's dog developed a rather intense internal infection, and for a while, the outlook was about as grim as it could get.  Given her age (she will be 13 in September), there was only so much that could be done with any reasonable chance of success.  It got to the point where even the vet believed Lady was not going to recover, and that appropriate measures might need to be considered.  Surprisingly and fortunately, Lady did in fact pull through, and is back to where she was healthwise as she was when the year began. Both dogs, along with myself, of course, are happy to have Kira back for the Summer.  Lauren still pops in regularly to see us, but it took awhile to adjust not seeing her every day.

As I always post a Blog on May 26th and September 9th, quite often there isn't anything new and relevant to add, but I still find the need to do so anyways.  I have countless stories about Darrel, but almost all have been mentioned, some more than once.  Rereading my older entries helps to keep these memories fresh in my mind, and even the odd time, I am surprised by a detail that I somehow haven't recalled so clearly.  They often say that it's the "Little Things That Matter The Most"...I couldn't agree more.

Thank You again for your continued support and interest.


Happy Birthday Darrel

Love and Miss You Little Man


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***Reminder*** The International Neuroblastoma Awareness Week will be held June 11-17, 2018.  Darrel's Playground will once again be proud to serve as one of the Canadian Administrators for this event.   Please feel free to visit our Facebook Page at:

https://www.facebook.com/NBawarenessweek


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May 26/17 - Birthday Homecoming

5/26/2017

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Today, Darrel would and should be celebrating his 17th Birthday.  For 10 years now, May 26th has come and gone without the kind of celebrations that should mark your child's birthday...No Cake...No Candles...No Gifts...No Song...and No Darrel.  I will be making my semi-annual pilgrimage to McDonald's for Chicken McNuggets and Apple Juice later today, but other than personal reflection and recollection, there is little more left for me to do.  Writing this Blog is a way to keep myself grounded in the here and now, as well as in the past at the same time.  On September 9th, it will be a full decade without my son by my side.  So very much has changed in that time, and I often wonder how things might have turned out differently if I had never heard the word neuroblastoma.  The arrival of each of my children had profound effects on everything I would ever do from that point on, but in light of all that would follow far too soon afterwards, Darrel would and does still have the greatest impact.  Every one of us has lost a family member or other loved one, but losing a child IS different, and watching your child take his last breath right before your very eyes is most devastating of all.  Knowing all that you did just wasn't enough, and all that you can ever do will not change what has happened stays with you in ways impossible to describe. But for today, I can and will remember that smile, that laugh, and that love that was and always will be Darrel.

Since I haven't blogged in awhile, there are a few things to mention...

- Back in November, I had a surreal experience one night. When I was walking by the Girls' room, Lauren was sitting on the floor cleaning up things (that almost never happens, but that's not what I'm talking about). When she glanced up at me, for a second I thought, and it most certainly felt like it was Darrel looking back at me! I think I must have lost some of the colour in my face, as Lauren asked me if I was feeling sick. Being brother and sister, there were always some similarities, but for a brief time that day, there seemed to be so much more of a connection. After not seeing his face in front of me in over 9 years, it was both a happy and sad moment. Regardless, I'm glad it happened.

- Each Winter, the Township usually floods a Park or two, and makes them ready for Public Skating.  I can't recall them ever doing Stait Park before, but that did indeed happen a few months ago.  Stait Park had always been under-used and under-appreciated before the renovations took place, and knowing that our fund raising in Darrel's name helped to make that transformation possible is somewhat heartwarming.  The Park is now active year around, and continues to thrive.  People passing by might not know who the Darrel Robb on the sign was, but I do!

- In March, Darrel's big sister Kira turned 20!  It continues to be a shame that Darrel will never be with us again to share in these family milestones.

- Although the legal process is still ongoing with Darrel's mother, there was a significant step forward, with a resolution concerning Darrel's cremated remains.  With the Status Quo, the remains staying solely in the House, being unacceptable to me, I had sought to have the matter legally dealt with.  I am more than pleased to say, Darrel is once again under the same roof as his sisters and me.  A Sort of Homecoming happened on April 20th, which I am grateful for.  The way this matter was dealt with, and the fact that it had to be legally dealt with at all, is most unfortunate, but the end result is one that allows me to move on.  

- Childhood Cancer Canada has revived their Childhood Cancer Hero Program, and Darrel's name will be included once again on the latest shirts.  I have not received mine as of yet, but it should be arriving shortly.

https://teesforthepeople.com/products/i-love


- I usually at this time repost the "Missing Darrel" video I made years ago, but can not today.  Warner Music has had YouTube block the video, due to the use of Fleetwood Mac's "Songbird".  This has happened 5 times now, and then it is periodically unblocked.  Perhaps I'll be able to Share it again in the future.

- The Darrel's Playground website passed 38,000 Hits threshold yesterday.  Thank You!

- Thoughts and Prayers for a Dear Friend who is now on their own journey fighting against Cancer.  Big Hugs!


In conclusion, I'd like to once again say thank you to everyone who helps to keep Darrel's memory alive by visiting this page, or following us on Facebook or Twitter.  It means a great deal to me that he still resonates in some way with friends, family, and strangers alike after all these years.  While Darrel was certainly most unique, far too many children share a similar journey as my son did.  Please consider doing what you can, when you can, and make a difference in the lives of the countless children that have, and will follow down a road that no one ever asks to be on.  Anything you do will be appreciated in ways you will never know.


Happy Birthday Darrel

Love and Miss You Little Man
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                                               Made by Christine Pagliassotti

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May 26/16 - Sixteen...Yet Still Seven

5/26/2016

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Today we should be celebrating the fine young man Darrel had become at the age of 16, and talk with great optimism about what may transpire in the many years ahead of him.  Instead, I can only remember our far too short time together, a journey of a life that could have been, and the "what ifs" that never have, and never will go completely away.  Some days it can be quite challenging to live in the present when someone so very important to you exists now only in the past.  To let these emotions continually overpower you can leave you unwilling and/or unable to help yourself or those around you, but to attempt to compartmentalize them is both a disservice to the memory of your lost loved one, and to the person that you have become after suffering such a loss.  Physical scars are easy enough for the World to see, but it the emotional ones that lie not so deeply below the surface that are usually the more formidable to endure. 

I have previously mentioned that it is bittersweet when these emotional scars bubble over, especially when I am not in a private setting.  This happened again over this past Easter (like with most people, holiday times can be a wee more touchy for me) while I was at Work.  A co-worker showed me a picture of his father and himself doing a silly Father and Son kind of thing.  He then asked if I wished I had a son to do something like that with...I was simultaneously so angry (not necessarily at him, but at cards Life had dealt me) and overcome with sadness at the same time.  He knew immediately that he has chosen his words poorly, and proceeded to avoid eye contact with me for the remainder of that shift, just to be on the safe side (which was probably a good idea).  Darrel was taken from us almost 9 years ago now, but a stray word, thought, or image still has such an incredible power over me.  Though it pains me at the time, moments like this are strangely comforting to me, as they show that even though I've suffered a great loss, I have not lost everything, or myself.

There have been several new developments and changes since I last posted.  The legal process to reach a Separation Agreement with Rebecca is ongoing at its almost snail-like pace.  It is most unfortunate that there continues to be delays and roadblocks, as the matters remaining seem rather straight forward to resolve, at least from my perspective.  Neither of us have any desire to turn back the clock and attempt to reset our relationship, and other events have now made that quite impossible to happen even if the will was there. Hopefully these issues can come to a conclusion in the near future, so both Rebecca and I, along with Kira and Lauren, no longer will have the uncertainties that such a situation creates hanging over us any longer. 

Kira has successfully finished her first year at Brock University, and has been back in Fergus for about a month now.  It is wonderful to have the three of us (five if you include the two dogs) together under the same roof again, even if it is only until mid August.  Lauren only has a few weeks until she graduates from high school, and is already anticipating starting in the Fall at the apprenticeship she received at a company in Guelph.  I'm sure Darrel would be as proud as I am of all his sisters' accomplishments.

I now find it more difficult to come to terms with everything when Darrel's birthday comes around than on the anniversary of his passing in September.  May 26th meant something to everyone in my family when Darrel was with us.  There are happy things to recall about each of the seven birthdays he was here with us....the excitement before, during and after opening his presents...eagerly awaiting the end of the Birthday Song so he could finally blow out the candles...the mess made while eating the cake...and of course, the privately (well, sort of) counting of all the "Cash Money" he had received too.  While both May 26th and September 9th are dates that stand out (not that I'll ever need any kind of reminder) on the calendar, his birthday, with no song to be sung, stomps on my heart a bit more.  The fact that my son isn't with me is more front and centre on a day that I know should be unfolding quite differently. September 9th rips me apart too, but until 2007, it held no significance or value to me personally.  I can not forsee any possible new good times to be associated with May 26th ever again.

I am not the same person I was 16 years ago, when Darrel was born...or 11 years ago when I heard the word neuroblastoma for the first time...or 9 years ago when I held my son for the last time...or 2 years ago when my marriage collapsed.  Everything that has happened, and will happen will help to define who I am, but does not dictate who I MUST be.  To deny any part of my past is something I will never do.  To break off all communication, or to lock the doors on anyone who has been close to me for reasons I'll never understand is something I will never do.  My life is a combination of all the decisions I have ever made.  Of course there are regrets, but that does not mean I can not learn and evolve from them to make a better me.  That is what I strive for, and I believe it is what Darrel would hope and expect his family to strive for as well.


Happy Birthday Darrel

Love and Miss You Little Man


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Darrel's Playground surpassed 33,000 Hits on May 22, 2016.  Thank You
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May 26/15 - Song Left Unsung

5/26/2015

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Saying "Happy Birthday" to your son in person should not be difficult, should not be a challenge, and definitely should not be impossible, but for the past eight May 26ths, it has been for me.  Today, Darrel would have been a 15 year old young man, who probably wouldn't want his parents (especially his father) making a Big Deal out of his birthday, or telling stories about the silly things that he did when he was younger, but looking back is all I am able to do, with no new memories to create in the future with him.  It is often somewhat burdensome to write these blogs on May 26ths and September 9ths, because I know there isn't really much more to add about Darrel.  I can certainly reminisce about our brief times together (which I will undoubtedly continue to do), but for any of you that have been following these entries over the years, you have likely heard them all before.  They can still bring a smile to my face, or a tear to my eye, but sometimes it gets to the point where I even I think I sound like a broken record (for those that remember what that means). 

There are constant reminders of Darrel for me almost every day, and places, that for good or bad, have some kind of meaning.  Last weekend, I was at Canada's Wonderland, and walking around the Park, there were a few places that stirred flashbacks to the one and only time we were there with Darrel.  Whether it be pushing around him in the wheelchair, carrying him (Air-Lifts) through the line-ups for the rides he wanted to go on, the delighted horror after his first (and unfortunately only) roller coaster, or simply the corner of a Pavilion where we sat to have an ice cream after lunch, I couldn't help but take at least a brief second or two to reflect on those moments.  Some feel it isn't healthy to dwell too much on the past, but when the past is all I have, I will dwell whenever, and for how ever long I wish too.

Usually Darrel's Birthday Blogs talk a bit about my attending the Mitchell Fraser Slo Pitch Tournament (as it was always held at the end of May), but it was decided by the Fraser family that last year was to be the final one.  As time goes on, it can become more trying to sustain and maintain an event such as that, regardless of how successful it is/was. On a much smaller scale, my decision to stop having "Team Darrel" participate in the local Relay for Life, probably came about much the same way.  While part of me wanted us to carry on with the Relay, I could see that several of the others didn't necessarily feel the same desire to attend as much as I did.  I'm sure they would have come out to support me in that endeavour if I asked them too, but with the passing years, new commitments, time restrictions, and new life realities have continued to come and go for us all, and to keep it going didn't seem to be the wisest course to take.  That does not mean ruling out a return at some point down the line, but for now, I'll just participate in activities that only require my attendance.

I would like to take a moment congratulate Darrel's Big Sister Kira on receiving and accepting admission to Brock University in St. Catharines for this coming September.  I am incredibly proud of her, and all her academic accomplishments during her high school years.  I am equally proud of my other daughter Lauren, who will soon be finishing Grade 11, and continues to excel both in her studies, as well as being a junior baton coach, and athlete, who has recently added another Provincial Championship to go along with her many other personal and team awards.  I truly wish Darrel was around to see what beautiful young women his sisters had become.

Thank You again to everyone who continues in the fight against neuroblastoma and childhood cancer, and continues to support my efforts in this battle, and in keeping Darrel's memory alive.  It is, as always, greatly appreciated.

Happy Birthday Darrel

Love and Miss You Little Man

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May 26/14 - Changes...Moving Forward

5/26/2014

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Changes...Moving Forward

The Calendar has now brought us once again to May 26th, and another year without the Birthday Boy here to celebrate with us.  Darrel would and should have been turning 14 today, but neuroblastoma made that impossible to happen. It is difficult to comprehend that in a few months Darrel will have been gone for longer than he actually was with us.  With so many memories of him, the good and bad, along with happy and the incredibly sad, ever present in my mind, it quite often feels like it was only yesterday that we did those things together with him. Some might say that this leaves me stuck in the past, and not moving forward, but many of these people have had the luxury of possessing more current memories of their children to recall...but when it comes to Darrel, I do not. I cherish the brief time we had with him as much as I do being part of the lives of his sisters Kira and Lauren in the present. We all try and make the best of the circumstances we find ourselves in, and these are unfortunately mine.  Moving forward is the only option, but that certainly does not mean forgetting anything about the past either.

Developments in my personal life have made it necessary for many changes for me, and by extension, the activities of Darrel's Playground.  I both regret and am disappointed that I find myself dealing with these issues, but it came to the point where the choices made became unavoidable.  As a result, my participation in both the Mitchell Fraser Memorial Slo Pitch Tournament (held this past weekend on May 24th), and the Fergus Relay for Life (June 6th) have had to been cancelled for this year. These causes are still very important to me, and quite worthy of your support (I have posted Online Links below if you would like to donate to either event).  I had signed up for a St. Baldrick's/Childhood Cancer Canada event in Guelph this coming September, but the information has been recently removed from both of those organizations websites, so I'm under the assumption it will not be taking place. I'll post an update on this once I get confirmation either way.

Mitchell:  http://my.e2rm.com/personalPage.aspx?registrationID=1371965

http://m.durhamregion.com/sports-story/4529739-mitchell-fraser-slo-pitch-fundraiser-back-for-13th-year-in-solina/

Relay:  http://convio.cancer.ca/site/TR?fr_id=14830&pg=entry

My current situation has also greatly limited my online time and connections to the Childhood Cancer Community, and many of the activities that I customarily am involved with. With a presence on Facebook, Twitter, Tumblr, in addition to the main website, I haven't been able to keep up with the proper attention each rightly deserves.  Hopefully the things that need to be addressed will be done so soon, and  at least the disruption to my online activities will be only short term in nature.

On a more positive note, it was announced two weeks ago that Power of Play has been approved to proceed with their plans for a second accessible playground in the Centre Wellington area. This time, Southridge Park in Elora has been selected for similar renovations that Stait Park in Fergus received last summer. While Darrel's Playground remains proud and grateful for our contribution, through the generous support and donations from the community and beyond, and of our inclusion in the first Park, we will not be actively involved this time around.  We wish our friend Andy Speers, and everyone at Power of Play continued success with the new park.

http://www.wellingtonadvertiser.com/comments/index.cfm?articleID=21462

Especially on May 26th and September 9th of each year, I usually spend a portion of  the day reflecting on the life of Darrel that was, and that which never would be. In light of what I am currently dealing with, I find myself reflecting on my own personal past choices, and what the road ahead has in store for me.  Since no one I know has a Crystal Ball or Time Machine, I must carry on the best I can, and realize that I can not alter what is now behind me.  At least I am secure in the realization I have within me the capacity to learn and grow, and make well thought-out, and hopefully better decisions in the future.

In conclusion, I would like to Thank all those of you who continue to be a part of Darrel's Playground, and part of the fight against neuroblastoma and childhood cancer.  Like in Life, necessary changes do not, and will not come easy or swiftly, but through preservation and determination, we can build a better tomorrow for ourselves, our children, and for all those important to us.

Happy Birthday Darrel

Love and Miss You Little Man

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International Neuroblastoma Awareness Week 2014 will be held from June 9-15th.  Darrel's Playground is once again proud to serve as a Canadian Administator for this Global Event.  Please join us in Spreading the Word...Kids Get Cancer Too!

http://www.facebook.com/NBawarenessweek 

https://twitter.com/NBAWARENESSWEEK

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<<Previous

    The majority of all these entries were written by Darrel's father, Stephen.  For those that are not, efforts have been made to give proper credit where it is due.

    The bulk of the posts are in the June 2011 Archives Section, as that is when I transferred them over to this site.  Category Tags should allow you to find entries easier.

    I've tried to correct spacing issues on many of the entries, as most of the older ones have been copied from different sites I've used in the past. I apologize if some have been overlooked.

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