Today we should be celebrating the fine young man Darrel had become at the age of 16, and talk with great optimism about what may transpire in the many years ahead of him.  Instead, I can only remember our far too short time together, a journey of a life that could have been, and the "what ifs" that never have, and never will go completely away.  Some days it can be quite challenging to live in the present when someone so very important to you exists now only in the past.  To let these emotions continually overpower you can leave you unwilling and/or unable to help yourself or those around you, but to attempt to compartmentalize them is both a disservice to the memory of your lost loved one, and to the person that you have become after suffering such a loss.  Physical scars are easy enough for the World to see, but it the emotional ones that lie not so deeply below the surface that are usually the more formidable to endure. 

I have previously mentioned that it is bittersweet when these emotional scars bubble over, especially when I am not in a private setting.  This happened again over this past Easter (like with most people, holiday times can be a wee more touchy for me) while I was at Work.  A co-worker showed me a picture of his father and himself doing a silly Father and Son kind of thing.  He then asked if I wished I had a son to do something like that with...I was simultaneously so angry (not necessarily at him, but at cards Life had dealt me) and overcome with sadness at the same time.  He knew immediately that he has chosen his words poorly, and proceeded to avoid eye contact with me for the remainder of that shift, just to be on the safe side (which was probably a good idea).  Darrel was taken from us almost 9 years ago now, but a stray word, thought, or image still has such an incredible power over me.  Though it pains me at the time, moments like this are strangely comforting to me, as they show that even though I've suffered a great loss, I have not lost everything, or myself.

There have been several new developments and changes since I last posted.  The legal process to reach a Separation Agreement with Rebecca is ongoing at its almost snail-like pace.  It is most unfortunate that there continues to be delays and roadblocks, as the matters remaining seem rather straight forward to resolve, at least from my perspective.  Neither of us have any desire to turn back the clock and attempt to reset our relationship, and other events have now made that quite impossible to happen even if the will was there. Hopefully these issues can come to a conclusion in the near future, so both Rebecca and I, along with Kira and Lauren, no longer will have the uncertainties that such a situation creates hanging over us any longer. 

Kira has successfully finished her first year at Brock University, and has been back in Fergus for about a month now.  It is wonderful to have the three of us (five if you include the two dogs) together under the same roof again, even if it is only until mid August.  Lauren only has a few weeks until she graduates from high school, and is already anticipating starting in the Fall at the apprenticeship she received at a company in Guelph.  I'm sure Darrel would be as proud as I am of all his sisters' accomplishments.

I now find it more difficult to come to terms with everything when Darrel's birthday comes around than on the anniversary of his passing in September.  May 26th meant something to everyone in my family when Darrel was with us.  There are happy things to recall about each of the seven birthdays he was here with us....the excitement before, during and after opening his presents...eagerly awaiting the end of the Birthday Song so he could finally blow out the candles...the mess made while eating the cake...and of course, the privately (well, sort of) counting of all the "Cash Money" he had received too.  While both May 26th and September 9th are dates that stand out (not that I'll ever need any kind of reminder) on the calendar, his birthday, with no song to be sung, stomps on my heart a bit more.  The fact that my son isn't with me is more front and centre on a day that I know should be unfolding quite differently. September 9th rips me apart too, but until 2007, it held no significance or value to me personally.  I can not forsee any possible new good times to be associated with May 26th ever again.

I am not the same person I was 16 years ago, when Darrel was born...or 11 years ago when I heard the word neuroblastoma for the first time...or 9 years ago when I held my son for the last time...or 2 years ago when my marriage collapsed.  Everything that has happened, and will happen will help to define who I am, but does not dictate who I MUST be.  To deny any part of my past is something I will never do.  To break off all communication, or to lock the doors on anyone who has been close to me for reasons I'll never understand is something I will never do.  My life is a combination of all the decisions I have ever made.  Of course there are regrets, but that does not mean I can not learn and evolve from them to make a better me.  That is what I strive for, and I believe it is what Darrel would hope and expect his family to strive for as well.


Happy Birthday Darrel

Love and Miss You Little Man


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Darrel's Playground surpassed 33,000 Hits on May 22, 2016.  Thank You

After 8 years now, September 9, 2007 remains the date that forever changed my family, but since then we have all moved forward the best we can, some more successfully than others.  Memories of Darrel still have an impact some of the decisions I make today, as well as effect how I interpret information I receive in person or through the media at large.  You can not help but be profoundly altered after suffering a loss of such a magnitude, as the ripples from that loss can not be easily overlooked or ignored. That being said, picking up the pieces can be easier said than done, especially when one of the pieces is impossible to replace. In Life, moving forward is the only option, so that is what we must do.

Since my last blog, the biggest and happiest of these changes is that Kira and Lauren made the decision last month to move in with me at the apartment (the dogs came too, but they didn't have a vote on the matter).  There has been somewhat of learning curve as we all adjust to the new living arrangements, but for the most part, I think the process has gone quite smoothly. The Apartment is now full of love and laughter again (along with the yapping dogs), a scattering of things you would expect to find with teenage girls around, and of course a selection of Lauren's Art too.  Whether it be sounds of MarioKart or Zelda coming from the Wii or the smells of coming from the kitchen, I am overjoyed by this turn of events. After staying alone here the last year, I have taken full advantage of Kira wanting to cook and bake for Lauren and I.  Having the three of us sitting around the same Dinner Table together night after night serves as affirmation of how I have conducted myself in the most recent past, and maintained a positive relationship with Kira and Lauren since April 2014. The ongoing issues I had, and continue to have with their mother have not had any bearing on my love and commitment to my daughters, and that is how it should be.

Kira did not have much time to unpack and get settled here, as she started her first year at Brock University a few days ago.  In my mind, it wasn't that long ago that I was at university, but a quick glance at the calendar says otherwise. St. Catharines really isn't that far away, but the distance is enough I won't see very much of Kira between now and May.  With Lauren entering her final year at high school, it is probably only a matter of time before she seeks out new horizons for herself too.  But for now, I'll enjoy this time together while the opportunity presents itself.

With September being Childhood Cancer Awareness Month, I have been busy spreading the word that more could and should be done in finding a cure, as well as supporting the children that are currently in treatment, and their respective families.  As the federal election grows closer in Canada, and the race for the White House gets underway in the United States, it is discouraging how little, if any, discussion is taking place on the issue of childhood cancer. While the headlines about a single lion being killed in Africa, or the image of a young Syrian boy washed up on the beach can ignite the emotions of the public in both countries to demand a response, many simply turn the channel if anyone brings up children with cancer. Each of these are depressing and disheartening topics, but ALL are worthy of your attention and support.  It does not take much of an effort to make a tangible difference to the lives of someone in your community. It may not be front page news, but please consider doing what you can. Believe me, it will be appreciated by those who benefit from your kindness.

Thank You


Love and Miss You Little Man

2663...on the surface, not a very significant number. It could mean anything, everything, or nothing at all. For my family, 2663 days was the ever so brief time we were able to spend with Darrel. Today marks seven years since neuroblastoma took him away from all those who loved him. As hard as that is to comprehend, December 24, 2014, Christmas Eve, will be 2663 days since Darrel's passing. Next to his birthday, Christmas was his favourite day on the calendar. To think that after this date, Darrel will have been gone for longer than he was here is unsettling to say the least. What seems like yesterday on so many levels in my mind is truly becoming more distant, yet ever present too.

2007 marked the end of our family as we knew it at the time. Both Darrel's life and death equally changed all that we were, and set us on the course for all that we were to become in the future. This evolution continues, and has and will bring many more highs and unfortunate lows along the way. As a family, we emerged both stronger and diminished from that had happened through Darrel's diagnosis, treatments, and those final horrific hours. Those emotions, strains, moments of personal growth, and even enlightenment echo in positive and negative terms through each of us as much now as they did back then. It is impossible to discuss where we all are today without remembering what happened on September 9, 2007.

Over the Summer seven years ago, I took Darrel to see Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (TMNT) and the original Transformers movies while they were still playing in the theatres. He thoroughly enjoyed each of them, as I did as well. Most movies we went to back then had the entire family attending, but none of the girls had any interest in seeing either, so these were rare, and as it would turn out, fleeting moments of Father and Son time together. Jump ahead to this year, and both franchises have had new films out. I went to see them both of them, primarily because Darrel could not. The Transformers series is quite worn out now, but at least the Turtles movie is/was a reboot, so it was a bit fresher and entertaining (ironically featuring Megan Fox, formerly of Transformers) to watch.

I don't necessarily believe in coincidences, but when I noticed a young boy, obviously fighting some kind of cancer, at the Turtles screening I went to, it both tugged at, and warmed my heart. From a few rows back, I could just imagine the anticipation and excitement for this boy, in seeing his heroes (in a half shell) on the Big Screen, far away from whatever treatments and hospitals consumed much of his daily life. I had seen a look like that before in Darrel's dancing eyes seven years ago, and the flashbacks were unavoidable. As I watched this boy slowly struggle to leave the theatre afterwards, with his parents ever ready to assist him, I remembered all the "Airlifts" I had given to Darrel from place to place when he was too weak to make under his own power. If I had been out running an errand, Darrel would always give me heck when I returned for not being there in time to have moved him when he had wanted. He was a friendly kid, with a amazing wit and humour, but Darrel could also be quite opinionated and impatient when he felt the need to be. There he would be, with one hand on his hip, and wagging his finger at me with the other. I'm sure that if he had made it to be a teenager, these traits would not be recalled or deemed to be so endearing by me, but that was not meant to be.

2014 is also marking an end, change, and new beginning for me personally, and my family. The time had come earlier this year for Darrel's mother and I to go our separate ways. The issues and circumstances are not important, or for public discussion. To say that the loss of Darrel played no part, or was a deciding factor in reaching this decision would be a disservice to his memory. Like all members of our family, his presence or absence, actions or inactions, and hopes and dreams have brought us to the point we have arrived at together, and where we will part. I am aware that the long term survival rate of marriages after suffering such a loss is not favourable, but I do not want our years together to be simplified, and merely added to these statistics. To quote from Transformers, there is "More Than Meets The Eye".

Like seven years ago, moving forward is what must and will happen. Like seven years ago, adjustments will need to take place, as well as defining what the "new normal" is for myself, and each of my daughters. Though we will all continue to move forward both together and separately, our times and experiences with Darrel will always play a role in everything we are, and everything we will be. For that, at least, I am very thankful.

Love and Miss You Little Man

"Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end" ~ Semisonic

Changes...Moving Forward

The Calendar has now brought us once again to May 26th, and another year without the Birthday Boy here to celebrate with us.  Darrel would and should have been turning 14 today, but neuroblastoma made that impossible to happen. It is difficult to comprehend that in a few months Darrel will have been gone for longer than he actually was with us.  With so many memories of him, the good and bad, along with happy and the incredibly sad, ever present in my mind, it quite often feels like it was only yesterday that we did those things together with him. Some might say that this leaves me stuck in the past, and not moving forward, but many of these people have had the luxury of possessing more current memories of their children to recall...but when it comes to Darrel, I do not. I cherish the brief time we had with him as much as I do being part of the lives of his sisters Kira and Lauren in the present. We all try and make the best of the circumstances we find ourselves in, and these are unfortunately mine.  Moving forward is the only option, but that certainly does not mean forgetting anything about the past either.

Developments in my personal life have made it necessary for many changes for me, and by extension, the activities of Darrel's Playground.  I both regret and am disappointed that I find myself dealing with these issues, but it came to the point where the choices made became unavoidable.  As a result, my participation in both the Mitchell Fraser Memorial Slo Pitch Tournament (held this past weekend on May 24th), and the Fergus Relay for Life (June 6th) have had to been cancelled for this year. These causes are still very important to me, and quite worthy of your support (I have posted Online Links below if you would like to donate to either event).  I had signed up for a St. Baldrick's/Childhood Cancer Canada event in Guelph this coming September, but the information has been recently removed from both of those organizations websites, so I'm under the assumption it will not be taking place. I'll post an update on this once I get confirmation either way.

Mitchell:  http://my.e2rm.com/personalPage.aspx?registrationID=1371965

http://m.durhamregion.com/sports-story/4529739-mitchell-fraser-slo-pitch-fundraiser-back-for-13th-year-in-solina/

Relay:  http://convio.cancer.ca/site/TR?fr_id=14830&pg=entry

My current situation has also greatly limited my online time and connections to the Childhood Cancer Community, and many of the activities that I customarily am involved with. With a presence on Facebook, Twitter, Tumblr, in addition to the main website, I haven't been able to keep up with the proper attention each rightly deserves.  Hopefully the things that need to be addressed will be done so soon, and  at least the disruption to my online activities will be only short term in nature.

On a more positive note, it was announced two weeks ago that Power of Play has been approved to proceed with their plans for a second accessible playground in the Centre Wellington area. This time, Southridge Park in Elora has been selected for similar renovations that Stait Park in Fergus received last summer. While Darrel's Playground remains proud and grateful for our contribution, through the generous support and donations from the community and beyond, and of our inclusion in the first Park, we will not be actively involved this time around.  We wish our friend Andy Speers, and everyone at Power of Play continued success with the new park.

http://www.wellingtonadvertiser.com/comments/index.cfm?articleID=21462

Especially on May 26th and September 9th of each year, I usually spend a portion of  the day reflecting on the life of Darrel that was, and that which never would be. In light of what I am currently dealing with, I find myself reflecting on my own personal past choices, and what the road ahead has in store for me.  Since no one I know has a Crystal Ball or Time Machine, I must carry on the best I can, and realize that I can not alter what is now behind me.  At least I am secure in the realization I have within me the capacity to learn and grow, and make well thought-out, and hopefully better decisions in the future.

In conclusion, I would like to Thank all those of you who continue to be a part of Darrel's Playground, and part of the fight against neuroblastoma and childhood cancer.  Like in Life, necessary changes do not, and will not come easy or swiftly, but through preservation and determination, we can build a better tomorrow for ourselves, our children, and for all those important to us.

Happy Birthday Darrel

Love and Miss You Little Man

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International Neuroblastoma Awareness Week 2014 will be held from June 9-15th.  Darrel's Playground is once again proud to serve as a Canadian Administator for this Global Event.  Please join us in Spreading the Word...Kids Get Cancer Too!

http://www.facebook.com/NBawarenessweek 

https://twitter.com/NBAWARENESSWEEK

Yesterday I had the unfortunate honour to attend the funeral of Sheyanne O'Donnell, a twelve year old girl who lost her battle with neuroblastoma earlier this week.  Although I never had the privilege to meet her in person, hearing the stories told by those who did, and loved her dearly, made it seem like I had.  The memories shared about her smile, laugh, sense of humour, and eyes that could brighten any room were touching and emotional moving to all in attendance, but for me, there was much more to it.  While this day was about Sheyanne and her family, part of me couldn't help but be brought back to memories of Darrel.  Sheyanne and Darrel both faced each new day for what it was...a new day.  Their far too brief lives had given them life experiences that forced them to have a certain wisdom and maturity beyond their years about the disease they fought against, yet they still longed for the joys of the childhood denied to them by cancer. By looking into their eyes, you could see conflicting reality of their situation, hope and despair, but always the dreams for a better tomorrow.

My thoughts were and are also with Sheyanne's family and friends.  I know all too well the pain, grief, and misplaced guilt they are no doubt coming to terms with.  Nothing you read can ever possibly prepare someone for dealing with the loss of their child.  Each grieving parent comes to terms with this loss in their own way, and in their own time.  There is no correct or better approach or timetable for them to take, and it may be awhile before Kevin and Rebecca figure out which is best for them, both as a couple, and as individuals. This is equally true for her sister, her extended family, and others who loved Sheyanne.  This is a journey that never really ends, as it continues to change and evolve over the days, months, and years that follow.  The loss, pain and "what ifs" will remain with them, never too far from the surface, but it will be countered by the love and memory of their daughter and sister, which will give them the strength to make it through the day, and all the days after that.

 
Rest in Peace Sheyanne

Sheyanne Shari O'Donnell

December 18, 2001 - February 17, 2014

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Below is a poem read at Sheyanne's Funeral:

The Bumble Bee Cannot Fly

According to laws
Of aerodynamics
The bumble bee cannot fly;

It's body is too
Heavy for its wings
And that's the simple
Reason why.

But the bumble bee
Doesn't know this fact,
And so it flies anyway
For all to see.

Remember this when you're
Losing faith or hope
God's proof that the impossible
Can be.

A.S. Waldrop