​What can I say about Darrel that I haven't mentioned many times over the past ten years?  YES, IT HAS BEEN TEN YEARS! Judging by the size of this Blog, apparently quite a bit!  Darrel's smile, wit, laugh, and wisdom beyond his years are always with me in the present day, even though in reality this happened more and more in my distant past.  That is the way it is when we lose someone close to us...we try to hold on tightly to the memories we shared with that person.  Of course, being a bereaved parent, this process is greatly intensified.  This is not to say our grief is necessarily greater to losses suffered by others, but it is certainly different. Parents in my situation are more or less the sole caretakers of all that child was, of all that child will ever be, and held the greatest dreams of what that child could have been.  Whoever said "Time heals all wounds" has never dealt with what many of us have had to endure.  but some days it feels like 10 minutes ago. This all seemed to be having an effect on me earlier this year than in the past. Just because the Calendar tells me September 9th is around the corner, and 2007 was a decade ago, I have been waking up feeling a bit different lately. The Mind is a mysterious thing...a certain day, a certain place, a certain sound, or a certain smell will bring it all flooding back with no way of controlling it. I've said it before, and I'll say it again, as much as these times upset me, a part of me is glad they do...if they ever don't, I won't have only lost Darrel, I'll have lost myself as well. 

No one will ever spend more time, or know more about that child than his/her parents.  We were their World, and they were ours.  Because of this, many parents like myself often struggle and go to great lengths to safeguard all of the precious and brief moments that were spent with that child.  Some say that the Greatest Fear a Grieving Parent has is that their child will be forgotten, even by themselves in some way. I believe this to be true, and very much the case.  That is why I do these blogs.  Darrel is always with me in the here and now.  I retell stories that will often make me sad, and miss him more, but at the same time can bring a smile to my face, as I know I had a Front Row seat to the life of such a remarkable young man...from the very beginning until the far too soon conclusion.  Only his mother and I will ever to able to say that.  My Blogs may introduce Darrel to those who will never get to meet him, but they also serve as a back-up memory for me.  Try as I might, I can not possibly remember it all that happened over the years.  Revisiting older Posts also gives me insights into what was going through my own mind as the events continued to unfold. I am thankful they are a resource I can call upon now, and in the future.

Cancer, in its many forms, has no doubt touched the lives of almost everyone reading this Post.  Currently, I have two people close to me who are under going treatments at Grand River Hospital in Kitchener. I have found myself walking the halls of a hospital that I haven't been in for 10 years.  For 2 years, if Darrel wasn't at Home, he was either at the Hospital for Sick Children in Toronto, or at Grand River Hospital.  The Staff in Kitchener treated him like a King every time he was there, and this is greatly appreciated by me still to this day (Special thanks to Dr. Wilson and Nurse Patti for even making a special visit to Fergus on Darrel's last day).  I know that these people I care about are in excellent hands at this facility.


With the discussion that central venous catheter might need to be put in place for one of them to receive their chemotherapy, Darrel's voice immediately shouted in my mind "It's A Hickman!!" There are several kinds of Central Line ports that are commonly used during cancer treatments, such as a Double-Lumen or a Hickman.  For Darrel, it was a Hickman Line.  He was always very observant when the nurses came in to give him medications or flush his line while in the hospital,  and Darrel could easily tell if a nurse was not entirely sure how to proceed. This was mainly at Grand River, as they did not have a separate Ward for Children's Oncology (therefore the Staff wouldn't be as familiar with all the equipment), but it did happen occasionally in Toronto as well.  If Darrel felt the nurse was hesitating for too long, he would not so calmly let her know that she was in fact dealing with a Hickman!  The nurse would then look at either parent in the room for confirmation, then continue to complete the tasks at hand. He was never too shy to inform them if he believed something wasn't being done properly, as they literally had his life in their hands.  As Doctor Darrel's intuition was usually correct, I couldn't really tell him not to voice his concerns.

In moments of personal reflection, I think most of us look back upon our lives, regardless of how old we are at the time, and try and pinpoint the turning points that happened to us, and that set us off in a new direction.  These could range from the Happy: Graduation; New Job; Marriage; Birth of your First Child...to the Sad: Medical Issue; Accident; Divorce; or Death of a Loved One.  Having contended with all of these, in varying degrees, losing Darrel ten years ago today has, and will always have the greatest impact on all that I am, and all that I will be.  I am NOT living in the past, though I've been told that more than once, but the memories of the loss and pain thrust upon myself and my family that day can not be overlooked or understated!  I am confident that there are many more Highs and Lows ahead of me, but I sincerely doubt any will match far reaching scope of THAT day.  I continue to move forward and move on, but to close the Door on that part of my past would be impossible to achieve, not that I would ever try to. 


Love and Miss You Little Man

************************************************************************

Other Things To Mention


- For another year, Darrel's Playground was pleased to serve as the Canadian Administrator for the International Neuroblastoma Awareness Week, which ran from June 12 - June 18, 2017.  Thank You to everyone who Liked, Shared, and/or Posted on our Facebook and Twitter Pages.

​https://www.facebook.com/NBawarenessweek/

- Childhood Cancer Canada relaunched their Hero Shirt Program this year, and Darrel once again was included (in the "E").  Thank You to everyone who purchased a shirt.  Orders can still be made at:

https://teesforthepeople.com/products/i-love


- The remaining Legal Matters between Darrel's mother and I were finally resolved this past July.  Though not everything turned out the way I had hoped, having Kira, Lauren and Darrel all under the same roof as me once again makes the entire drawn out procedure worthwhile in the long run.


Here is a Link to an Article I found on Grieving Parents:

https://themighty.com/2016/01/the-greatest-fear-of-a-grieving-parent/




**********************************************************************************************************************************************

Please remember to Go Gold in September for Childhood Cancer Awareness Month.  With your support, we can move Together Towards A Cure!

"As my memory rests 
But never forgets what I lost 
Wake Me Up When September Ends" ~ Green Day

Today, Darrel would and should be celebrating his 17th Birthday.  For 10 years now, May 26th has come and gone without the kind of celebrations that should mark your child's birthday...No Cake...No Candles...No Gifts...No Song...and No Darrel.  I will be making my semi-annual pilgrimage to McDonald's for Chicken McNuggets and Apple Juice later today, but other than personal reflection and recollection, there is little more left for me to do.  Writing this Blog is a way to keep myself grounded in the here and now, as well as in the past at the same time.  On September 9th, it will be a full decade without my son by my side.  So very much has changed in that time, and I often wonder how things might have turned out differently if I had never heard the word neuroblastoma.  The arrival of each of my children had profound effects on everything I would ever do from that point on, but in light of all that would follow far too soon afterwards, Darrel would and does still have the greatest impact.  Every one of us has lost a family member or other loved one, but losing a child IS different, and watching your child take his last breath right before your very eyes is most devastating of all.  Knowing all that you did just wasn't enough, and all that you can ever do will not change what has happened stays with you in ways impossible to describe. But for today, I can and will remember that smile, that laugh, and that love that was and always will be Darrel.

Since I haven't blogged in awhile, there are a few things to mention...

- Back in November, I had a surreal experience one night. When I was walking by the Girls' room, Lauren was sitting on the floor cleaning up things (that almost never happens, but that's not what I'm talking about). When she glanced up at me, for a second I thought, and it most certainly felt like it was Darrel looking back at me! I think I must have lost some of the colour in my face, as Lauren asked me if I was feeling sick. Being brother and sister, there were always some similarities, but for a brief time that day, there seemed to be so much more of a connection. After not seeing his face in front of me in over 9 years, it was both a happy and sad moment. Regardless, I'm glad it happened.

- Each Winter, the Township usually floods a Park or two, and makes them ready for Public Skating.  I can't recall them ever doing Stait Park before, but that did indeed happen a few months ago.  Stait Park had always been under-used and under-appreciated before the renovations took place, and knowing that our fund raising in Darrel's name helped to make that transformation possible is somewhat heartwarming.  The Park is now active year around, and continues to thrive.  People passing by might not know who the Darrel Robb on the sign was, but I do!

- In March, Darrel's big sister Kira turned 20!  It continues to be a shame that Darrel will never be with us again to share in these family milestones.

- Although the legal process is still ongoing with Darrel's mother, there was a significant step forward, with a resolution concerning Darrel's cremated remains.  With the Status Quo, the remains staying solely in the House, being unacceptable to me, I had sought to have the matter legally dealt with.  I am more than pleased to say, Darrel is once again under the same roof as his sisters and me.  A Sort of Homecoming happened on April 20th, which I am grateful for.  The way this matter was dealt with, and the fact that it had to be legally dealt with at all, is most unfortunate, but the end result is one that allows me to move on.  

- Childhood Cancer Canada has revived their Childhood Cancer Hero Program, and Darrel's name will be included once again on the latest shirts.  I have not received mine as of yet, but it should be arriving shortly.

https://teesforthepeople.com/products/i-love


- I usually at this time repost the "Missing Darrel" video I made years ago, but can not today.  Warner Music has had YouTube block the video, due to the use of Fleetwood Mac's "Songbird".  This has happened 5 times now, and then it is periodically unblocked.  Perhaps I'll be able to Share it again in the future.

- The Darrel's Playground website passed 38,000 Hits threshold yesterday.  Thank You!

- Thoughts and Prayers for a Dear Friend who is now on their own journey fighting against Cancer.  Big Hugs!


In conclusion, I'd like to once again say thank you to everyone who helps to keep Darrel's memory alive by visiting this page, or following us on Facebook or Twitter.  It means a great deal to me that he still resonates in some way with friends, family, and strangers alike after all these years.  While Darrel was certainly most unique, far too many children share a similar journey as my son did.  Please consider doing what you can, when you can, and make a difference in the lives of the countless children that have, and will follow down a road that no one ever asks to be on.  Anything you do will be appreciated in ways you will never know.


Happy Birthday Darrel

Love and Miss You Little Man

                                               Made by Christine Pagliassotti

​Nine years...How is that even possible of being how long Darrel has been gone???  Milestones are supposed to be reached for pleasant memories and events, yet September 9th is not a happy time for reflection, but most certainly worthy of remembering.  I always try and post a Blog on May 26th and September 9th, but as the years go by, there is so little new to say about Darrel that hasn't been said countless times.  I can proudly talk about what Kira and Lauren have currently been up to, which I will always do, but when it comes to Darrel, that just can't be done.  

On my wall, there are graduation pictures hanging of both my daughters, but there will never be one for my son, not even one of the cheesy and almost pointless photos they now take for graduating kindergarten (though I ordered them and cherish them all the same). With each passing year, the photo of a young boy in between photos of two young women may seem out of place at first glance.  When new visitors come over to the apartment, looking at these pictures is often their initial introduction to the fact our family is missing an important piece that can not be ever found. Every picture tells a story, but there are very few people that actually want to know the story that goes along with contents of my photo albums. When it comes to childhood cancer, or facing the reality that there are very sick children in a modern and prosperous country like Canada, most people would rather change the subject or the TV channel.  That is a luxury and an option that I can never have again.  To have no pictures of Darrel up would be a disservice to his memory, but to deny any of your children their rightful place in your life and in your heart, whether living or deceased is something that I will never do, or understand.  There is nothing you can do or say that will ever fully and completely replace what has been lost, though some choices could make the void seem more manageable to some people. 

September is Childhood Cancer Awareness Month, and for many families, this week marked the beginning of the new school year. Darrel probably would have been entering Grade 12, with all the uncertainty and big decisions on what and where you would be headed after you received your diploma.  For Darrel's sisters, they have their near future paths already mapped out for themselves. Kira is back in St. Catharines for her second year at Brock University.  In addition to her studies, she has taken on a Residence Don position, which I'm sure she will excel at, and provide her with invaluable experiences for both her personal and career development. Lauren will be starting her apprenticeship at a company in Guelph next week, which will be equally rewarding for her as well.

Not much has changed in my situation since my last post.  I am somewhat hopeful that all the remaining legal matters can be resolved sooner rather than later, but this optimism is tainted with the reality that it takes the willingness of both parties to move things to a successful conclusion. While I am open to re-entering the Dating Scene, so much has changed since that last time I was 'available', it is both an exciting and scary prospect at the same time.  I may not be considered old, but I certainly won't be categorized as been that young either.  Life has given me quite a few unexpected twists and turns thus far, and I'm sure many more lay ahead in my future. Approaching each day and each situation with no expectations is really about all any of us can do, but that is often easier said than done.


Thank you once again to everyone who continues to be there when I need a sounding wall, or even a shoulder to lean on.  It is greatly appreciated.

Love and Miss You Little Man


​

*************************

Sept 10/16

​September 9th Follow Up: Yesterday, I did receive a few messages from friends worried about my state of mind, as they felt some of my posts were too dark. While their concern was genuine and appreciated, it was lacking in understanding of what I, and many other parents who have lost a child (or even losing their children) must cope with on a daily basis.

My Blog yesterday talked about the pictures on my Wall and in my Photo Albums. Those photos I decide to Post on Social Media show usually show Darrel with a smile and that amazing twinkle in his eyes. I have others that I do not share, with his eyes deeply sunken in, his frail bones almost visible through his skin, and the look of pain on his face that would give you nightmares. The smiles may be easier for you to view, but I know what was going on with his health and treatments when they were taken, and know what Darrel was enduring behind that brave face...so those photos are as painful to me as the ones I do not show. Every picture does tell a story, but even after all I have shared in blogs and pictures over the years, there is so much of the story you will never know.

While I post about Childhood Cancer throughout the year, on September the 9th, I give myself permission to feel everything, and open up the flood gates of emotion that I try to contain the rest of the year. Posting about Bacon, Star Trek, or Music are all fine and good, but there is a sadness within me that will never disappear, though I do not willing put it on display most of the time.

I do not let what has happened to Darrel and my Family dictate everything I do, but it IS part of everything I do all the same. Your concern is appreciated, but a few comments crossed the line into judging me, which I will not tolerate from anyone who has not experienced exactly all that I have...and I am the only person that can say that.
​
If you can not grasp what I am attempting to convey here, please feel free to remove yourselves from this Page. I realize most of your intentions were good, but that is not how they came across on my end.
Thank You

Today we should be celebrating the fine young man Darrel had become at the age of 16, and talk with great optimism about what may transpire in the many years ahead of him.  Instead, I can only remember our far too short time together, a journey of a life that could have been, and the "what ifs" that never have, and never will go completely away.  Some days it can be quite challenging to live in the present when someone so very important to you exists now only in the past.  To let these emotions continually overpower you can leave you unwilling and/or unable to help yourself or those around you, but to attempt to compartmentalize them is both a disservice to the memory of your lost loved one, and to the person that you have become after suffering such a loss.  Physical scars are easy enough for the World to see, but it the emotional ones that lie not so deeply below the surface that are usually the more formidable to endure. 

I have previously mentioned that it is bittersweet when these emotional scars bubble over, especially when I am not in a private setting.  This happened again over this past Easter (like with most people, holiday times can be a wee more touchy for me) while I was at Work.  A co-worker showed me a picture of his father and himself doing a silly Father and Son kind of thing.  He then asked if I wished I had a son to do something like that with...I was simultaneously so angry (not necessarily at him, but at cards Life had dealt me) and overcome with sadness at the same time.  He knew immediately that he has chosen his words poorly, and proceeded to avoid eye contact with me for the remainder of that shift, just to be on the safe side (which was probably a good idea).  Darrel was taken from us almost 9 years ago now, but a stray word, thought, or image still has such an incredible power over me.  Though it pains me at the time, moments like this are strangely comforting to me, as they show that even though I've suffered a great loss, I have not lost everything, or myself.

There have been several new developments and changes since I last posted.  The legal process to reach a Separation Agreement with Rebecca is ongoing at its almost snail-like pace.  It is most unfortunate that there continues to be delays and roadblocks, as the matters remaining seem rather straight forward to resolve, at least from my perspective.  Neither of us have any desire to turn back the clock and attempt to reset our relationship, and other events have now made that quite impossible to happen even if the will was there. Hopefully these issues can come to a conclusion in the near future, so both Rebecca and I, along with Kira and Lauren, no longer will have the uncertainties that such a situation creates hanging over us any longer. 

Kira has successfully finished her first year at Brock University, and has been back in Fergus for about a month now.  It is wonderful to have the three of us (five if you include the two dogs) together under the same roof again, even if it is only until mid August.  Lauren only has a few weeks until she graduates from high school, and is already anticipating starting in the Fall at the apprenticeship she received at a company in Guelph.  I'm sure Darrel would be as proud as I am of all his sisters' accomplishments.

I now find it more difficult to come to terms with everything when Darrel's birthday comes around than on the anniversary of his passing in September.  May 26th meant something to everyone in my family when Darrel was with us.  There are happy things to recall about each of the seven birthdays he was here with us....the excitement before, during and after opening his presents...eagerly awaiting the end of the Birthday Song so he could finally blow out the candles...the mess made while eating the cake...and of course, the privately (well, sort of) counting of all the "Cash Money" he had received too.  While both May 26th and September 9th are dates that stand out (not that I'll ever need any kind of reminder) on the calendar, his birthday, with no song to be sung, stomps on my heart a bit more.  The fact that my son isn't with me is more front and centre on a day that I know should be unfolding quite differently. September 9th rips me apart too, but until 2007, it held no significance or value to me personally.  I can not forsee any possible new good times to be associated with May 26th ever again.

I am not the same person I was 16 years ago, when Darrel was born...or 11 years ago when I heard the word neuroblastoma for the first time...or 9 years ago when I held my son for the last time...or 2 years ago when my marriage collapsed.  Everything that has happened, and will happen will help to define who I am, but does not dictate who I MUST be.  To deny any part of my past is something I will never do.  To break off all communication, or to lock the doors on anyone who has been close to me for reasons I'll never understand is something I will never do.  My life is a combination of all the decisions I have ever made.  Of course there are regrets, but that does not mean I can not learn and evolve from them to make a better me.  That is what I strive for, and I believe it is what Darrel would hope and expect his family to strive for as well.


Happy Birthday Darrel

Love and Miss You Little Man


*************************

Darrel's Playground surpassed 33,000 Hits on May 22, 2016.  Thank You

After 8 years now, September 9, 2007 remains the date that forever changed my family, but since then we have all moved forward the best we can, some more successfully than others.  Memories of Darrel still have an impact some of the decisions I make today, as well as effect how I interpret information I receive in person or through the media at large.  You can not help but be profoundly altered after suffering a loss of such a magnitude, as the ripples from that loss can not be easily overlooked or ignored. That being said, picking up the pieces can be easier said than done, especially when one of the pieces is impossible to replace. In Life, moving forward is the only option, so that is what we must do.

Since my last blog, the biggest and happiest of these changes is that Kira and Lauren made the decision last month to move in with me at the apartment (the dogs came too, but they didn't have a vote on the matter).  There has been somewhat of learning curve as we all adjust to the new living arrangements, but for the most part, I think the process has gone quite smoothly. The Apartment is now full of love and laughter again (along with the yapping dogs), a scattering of things you would expect to find with teenage girls around, and of course a selection of Lauren's Art too.  Whether it be sounds of MarioKart or Zelda coming from the Wii or the smells of coming from the kitchen, I am overjoyed by this turn of events. After staying alone here the last year, I have taken full advantage of Kira wanting to cook and bake for Lauren and I.  Having the three of us sitting around the same Dinner Table together night after night serves as affirmation of how I have conducted myself in the most recent past, and maintained a positive relationship with Kira and Lauren since April 2014. The ongoing issues I had, and continue to have with their mother have not had any bearing on my love and commitment to my daughters, and that is how it should be.

Kira did not have much time to unpack and get settled here, as she started her first year at Brock University a few days ago.  In my mind, it wasn't that long ago that I was at university, but a quick glance at the calendar says otherwise. St. Catharines really isn't that far away, but the distance is enough I won't see very much of Kira between now and May.  With Lauren entering her final year at high school, it is probably only a matter of time before she seeks out new horizons for herself too.  But for now, I'll enjoy this time together while the opportunity presents itself.

With September being Childhood Cancer Awareness Month, I have been busy spreading the word that more could and should be done in finding a cure, as well as supporting the children that are currently in treatment, and their respective families.  As the federal election grows closer in Canada, and the race for the White House gets underway in the United States, it is discouraging how little, if any, discussion is taking place on the issue of childhood cancer. While the headlines about a single lion being killed in Africa, or the image of a young Syrian boy washed up on the beach can ignite the emotions of the public in both countries to demand a response, many simply turn the channel if anyone brings up children with cancer. Each of these are depressing and disheartening topics, but ALL are worthy of your attention and support.  It does not take much of an effort to make a tangible difference to the lives of someone in your community. It may not be front page news, but please consider doing what you can. Believe me, it will be appreciated by those who benefit from your kindness.

Thank You


Love and Miss You Little Man