Thanks for 2009
Category: Life


As 2009 draws to a close, it is time for me to once again to say Thank You you all for your tremendous generosity and support over the last year.  Through fundraisers and events that Darrel's Playground/Team Darrel have taken part in, almost $4000 was brought in for various cancer related organizations.  Childhood Cancer Awareness, is far too often an after thought
to  people, so extra focus was given to helping make "Gold: The New Pink" in 2009.   If only we could attain the same kind of recognition as Breast Cancer receives,  so much more could be accomplished for the children and families who need extra assisitance.  With your
continued support, who knows what is possible in 2010!

Some of the areas where together we made a difference were:

Relay For Life:  This event by far was the biggest contributor, and special recognition should be give to my Team Darrel 2009 co-members: Kira, Lauren, John, Helen, Bryan, Janet, Kim, Sharon and Payge.

Kyle's Fight:  Thanks to everyone who bought a 2010 Calendar to support neuroblastoma research at SickKids Hospital.  Darrel was featured as the child for the month of September.

JamesFund:  Through button sales, a donation was able to be made to the SickKids Foundation.

Katie'sPennies:  A Christmas gift was purchased for a child at the Children's Hospital of Eastern Ontario in Ottawa.

Canadian Cancer Society:  In addition to funds earned through the Relay, a donation was made to the Cancer Society.  A special thanks goes to Kim Henry at the Guelph office for helping me out with calendar sales and Relay co-ordination.

I would also like to recognize Mr. Zen, who was until recently the principal at St. Joseph's Catholic School here in Fergus.  During his years at the school, he helped our family out in countless ways through Darrel's treatments.  Being a liaison with the girls' teachers, hosting several fundraisiers along the way, organizing a tutor when we thought that maybe
things were going to turn out for the better, lending a friendly ear when it was necessary,  and continuing to make generous donations to Team Darrel in the past two Relays.   Mr. Zen has taken up a new position at another school, but his kindness will not be forgotten.

I hope everyone had a Merry Christmas, and wish you all the best in 2010.  Thanks again to you all.

Stuck In A Moment: Two Years Later

Category: Life

It has now been two years since my son Darrel was taken from us. Though the Earth
continues to spin around, and life, with all its  joys, trials, and tribulations continues to unfold
before me each day, September  9, 2007 will forever linger in every fibre of who I am. No matter what happens,  or how long I may live, the day that Darrel died will remain in my memory with a  sharp piercing resonance as though it was only yesterday.

As Kira and  Lauren grow and mature, most of the sights and sounds of that have filled
our house are much different than two years ago. Whether it be the toys, TV programs,
movies, reading material, choice of music they listen to, or their interests in general, there
seems to be less connection to the world as Darrel left it when I glance around. With the
teenage years approaching (far too fast I  might add), it's common for parents to look
back and long for the simpler times  when their children were younger, and easier to protect
from the dangers that  may lurk just around the corner. While I will eventually will have to
come to terms with the girls becoming young women, and everything that will come along
 withit, this parental 'letting-go' of your child's youth can never come with my  son.

Even though no new memories of Darrel can be created, I still find  myself being
reminded of him new and different ways. The most common for me is  music lyrics
in songs. I have always attached meaning, sometimes far too  literally and/or
figuratively, to the words of the music I enjoy listening to.  Songs written
well after he died, or in a style of music he may or may not have approved of,
it doesn't really matter. It is often said that music has the  ability to
transcend almost anything, effecting a person's frame of mind and mood like no
other means of communication. I am often amazed how a simple verse, phrase. or
evena music pattern can come out of no where, and emotionally impact me on a
personal level. Regardless of what imagery or message the original songwriter
had intended, we each take something different and unique from the  source
material, which of course is the power that music can have for us all.

There are also physical places that in my mind, for various reasons, have a significance
that links it to Darrel. For example, I can't help but  think of Darrel when we go to the horse track over in Elora. The first time I took the girls over to it was only a couple of months before his passing, as kind of a stress release for them and myself. Darrel had not wanted
to come, and probably could not have physically handled it either at the time
(even if he had wanted to attend). Kira and Lauren were each given $10 to place bets on the  horses of their choosing as the evening's entertainment. When we returned, both Kira
and Lauren proudly told him what earnings they had made from their selections, and he
became quite upset and angry. There are countless positive attributes I could say about
Darrel, but he could be a bit of a little miser when it came to monetary matters! Darrel said that if he knew "cash money" was involved, he most certainly would have joined us. I tried to explain that it was  all by luck and chance, and that the girls could have just as easily come home  with nothing to show for their efforts, but it was to no avail. He never stepped  foot in the Grand River Raceway, but I can't help think of him when ever I'm  there.

Of course, these sights and sounds pale beside the power of the wandering human mind. The endless combinations and possibilities of what happened then, is occuring now, and could
have taken place in the future had  things been handled differently when Darrel first
mentioned pains in his back  and stomach in May 2005. Although there was likely nothing we could have done to  alter what transpired, the loss was and is so enormous you can not help to think about your actions as you relive the events over and over again.

While on  days like today, Darrel's birthday in May, Christmas, and other times and/or events significant to my family, I can't help but dwell more on the sadness and sorrow of a young life drastically cut short, the majority of my thoughts deal  with the good times. The fond
memories are much more plentiful, and can only  make me thankful that I have so many
of them to remember. As many people may look at today as significant because it is
09/09/09, or that it is the day the  remastered Beatles CDs and their new Rock Band video
game comes out, please remember instead our Darrel's smile and laugh. They were never taken from him ,  and our memories of Darrel will never be taken from us.

September, being  the official Childhood Cancer Awareness Month, and Spetmeber 12th
being the official Childhhod Cancer Awareness Day, our loss is also being shared with  parents
around the world at almost the same time. It doesn't matter where you  live or what your social status may be, when cancer touches your child, nothing else matters anymore.

Thank you again for reading these blogs. I realize  that much of the content is probably
depressing and repetitive, but they do seem to help me on days such as today.

Miss you very much Little Man,
Love Daddy

Relay Recap 2009
Category: Life 

Team Darrel participated in the Canadian Cancer Society's Relay For Life in 
Fergus on Friday June 12th.  This was our second year with an entry, and it was 
another emotional and successful night for all those involved.  It was an extra 
busy night for my family, as Lauren's ballet recital was the same weekend.  
Fortunately, the rehersal (Friday night) was also taking place at the same
venue as the Relay.  It took a bit of juggling around, but with a little help,
she got to where she needed to be, when she needed to be there.

Of course, being Canada, a hockey game did slightly intrude on the initial 
hours of the event.  Game 7 of the Stanley Cup Finals between the Red Wings and 
Penguins was being played as well that night, and highlights would filter
around  the track to keep everyone informed.  I'm not the biggest of hockey fans 
anymore, but for many of those in attendance, you could tell they were  wishing
the Relay wasn't being held that particular evening.  They probably  would have
rather been watching the game with friends...with the TV remote in  one hand,
and a beer in the other, but to their credit, they honoured their commitment to
the Relay, and had their priorities in the correct order.

Unlike last year, the rain was not an issue, but it was still a damp and 
chilly night.  Though we planned for almost any kind of weather, there was no 
escape from the cold at some points.  As uncomfortable as this was, it did add 
to the atmosphere of the gathering.  Walking around the track at 3AM, with 
only the luminary candles that lined the course for light,  the effects of the 
damp chill seemed to be amplified.  With fewer people on the track at that
time, I felt helpless, isolated and alone at moments, even though family and 
friends weren't really that far away. 

It was impossible not to think of Darrel, laying on an examination bed at 
Sick Kids and/or Princess Margaret Hospital under going countless scans, 
procedures, and radiation treatments.  Tired from the early hour we had to get 
him ready to go at and the long drive there; Hungry from not being allowed to 
eat before certain tests; Scared and Confused, from not knowing or really 
understanding what was happening; Frustrated that he was being told he had to 
lie there perfectly still for lengthy periods of time; and of course, Pain, as 
the cancer was spreading around his tiny and ever more frail body.  Though he 
was always surrounded by the love of his family, I would not be surprised if he 
felt helpless and alone during many of those darker times.  If he was, Darrel 
never showed it, as he kept  those kind of feelings for the most part concealed 
from his family.

With the coming of the dawn, there was the much appreciated warmth of the 
sun, and the knowing that soon we would be able to go home.  As to be expected, 
it was an evening of highs and lows for us all.  12 hours isn't that much to
ask when everything the Relay represents is put into perspective.  From the 
Survivor's Victory lap to open the event, to the realization that each 
luminary was dedicated to someone touched by cancer, and to all that Darrel was 
subjected to in his much too short life, 12 hours is nothing to ask in 
comparison.

Though there weren't as many groups competeing this year, our local Relay 
For Life brought in over $44,000 for the Canadian Cancer Society.  Team Darrel 
finished second overall, with $2581.00 in pledges.  On top of that, we raised
an additional $80.00 for the James Fund for Neuroblastoma Research through
button sales and other donations. 

I'd like to say thank you once again to everyone who supported and/or 
contributed to making this Relay a success.  An extra special thanks goes to:

Team Darrel 2009 Members - Kira, Lauren, John, Helen, Bryan, Kim, Janet, 
Sharon, and our last minute replacement Payge.

St. Joseph Catholic School - Mr. Zen, the staff and students, came through 
once again with a huge donation of $500.00 for Team Darrel.  Their continuing 
support of our family never ceases to amaze me.

Darryl, Steve, Janet and Kim - For bringing cookies and doing Tim Horton's runs through
the night to help keep us going.

Janet M - For the extra blankets when we couldn't shake off the early morning cold.

Thanks again everyone!!!

Birthday Blues
Category: Life

Today should be when we celebrate Darrel's 9th birthday, but instead, like 
every day since he died, it will be a day to remember my son.  There are so
many stories I could tell you about him, but most have already brought up in
past blogs.  Tales of his wit, his humour, and his unique take on life and all
that it chose to send his way. 

Though it seems like only yesterday, the still vibrant memory does become 
more distant with the passage of time.  Pictures of all three kids, taken only
a few short months before he left us, hang in one hallway of the house, but the 
innoence of that moment was so long ago.  As the girls continue to grow and 
mature (I'm already dreading the soon to arrive teenage years), I can not help 
but imagine what a 9 year old Darrel would be like, especially if cancer  had
inflicted so much pain and suffering on him and my family.  The "What Ifs" are
never that far away, and probably never will be.

Walking downtown a few weeks ago, I was disapponited to see Darrel's 
favourite Dollar Store was closed for business.  He had always enjoyed going 
down ther with my father (Grandpa with the Car) after each treatment for his 
special reward.  I was seldom allowed to accompany them, but when I did, it was 
something to behold.  The time and effort he took to survey the entire store 
before he made the selection (a similar process would occur with picking his 
freshly made carmel popcorn, or sifting through his Oatmeal Crisp at breakfast 
time) brought a smile to all our faces, though laughing at him was a serious 
no-no .  There are still several other bargin stores in Fergus, but this one
was special to Darrel, there by special to me.

Last week, I had to return to the funeral home we used for Darrel's 
services for the first time.  I was there to pay my respects to the late
husband  of a co-worker, but found myself drifting back to when the entire venue
was full of his belongings.  I felt as though I could still see his bike, the 
nurse-wacker, his model magic creations, and everything else where we had it on 
that day like they were right before my eyes.  But they weren't, and the
sadness in the building was no longer for Darrel.

The devastating loss of a child has also been front and centre throughout 
our town the last week due to the abduction and murder of Victoria Stafford.  
The beautiful young girl was taken on April 8th from her schoolyard in 
Woodstock, Ontario.  A week ago arrests were finally made, and one of the 
accused has told police Tori's remains were deposited somewhere between Fergus 
and Guelph.  Since last Wednesday, there has been a constant stream of OPP and 
media helicopters circling our town, and we have been the focal point for 
parents across the nation.  While I am an avid watcher of the news, it is quite 
unsettling to see the media circus outside the police station, and everywhere a 
OPP vehicle travels (whether on the road, or in the sky), it is followed by the 
vultures from the media.

While I can relate with pain, anguish, and helpless of losing a  child,
Tori's parents have to contend with so much more.  We were with Darrel  every
step of the way, and though none of us knew what to expect, we faced it 
together.  He left this world the same way he entered it, with Rebecca and I 
right by his side.  For Tori's family, that little bit of comfort will never be 
there.  Their daughter was lured away by another woman, probably claiming to 
have lost her dog, and from what we know, was most likely killed a short time 
later by the older accused man.  The family also had to endure the police, 
media, and public treating them as prime suspects, while the true criminials 
were living only a few blocks away from where Tori used to call home. 

What happened in between I don't know, nor do I ever want to know, but the 
trial of those disgusting individuals will no doubt make known all the horrid 
details.  With the Paul Bernardo/Karla Homolka case in the not so distant past 
still fresh in the public consciousness, one can only hope things were
different for Tori.  Hopefully finding their daughter's remains will provide
her parents with some sense of closure, but with constant glare of the media
not going anywhere anytime soon, the scars that will never heal will continue
to be open and festering for quite some time to come.  My heart and thoughts
are certainly with them.
 
On a much lighter note, Revenue Canada did not make the mistakes of last 
year, and my refund cheque arrived without issue.  For those that don't recall, 
they had in error processed my death instead of Darrel's, and put all financial 
matters in an "Estate" footing.  It took quite a while to sort out, but 
fortunately we won't have to go through that this time around.

Today will be a day remembering Darrel.  There will be Apple Juice in the 
frig, McNuggets on our dinner table, and a tremendous hole in our lives.  All 
that he was and all that he could have been will be cherished.

Happy Birthday Darrel

Love Daddy

Growing Pains
Category: Life

It's been quite a while since I posted a blog, so I figured it was about time to do so. Our
life without Darrel continues, but how our life would have been with him still with us is
never too far from my thoughts. Each family occasion would have been different for the
better if he would have been sitting ever-so not quietly at the table, but knowing an
extra chair should be there can almost never be overlooked. It is the pain-staking reality
of it all that my family must contend with, each in our way, each in our own time.

How Kira and Lauren come to terms with the loss of their brother is of great concern to me, 
but for the most part, the girls seem to be coping better than expected. After Darrel's death, his favourite doctor told us that it most likely would affect them especially hard again when they reached their early 20s. By this time, they  would process all that had happened with
an adult's maturity and understanding, and perhaps look at it from a mother's point of
view (which would make me a  Grandfather....and I don't even want to consider that for a
LONG time).

Though she didn't come right out and say it, Lauren obviously was recalling her brother's
illness over these past winter months. She has really  sprouted up lately, and with it,
experienced alot of 'growing pains'. Various aches and joint pains on some level may have
triggered flashbacks to before and after Darrel was first diagnosed with neuroblastoma.
Discomfort in one spot one  day, gone the next may seem normal enough to most of
you, but could be interpreted completely differently when you have witnessed first hand
what devastation that may follow. Added to all this, Lauren and the flu were together quite
a bit over the past few months, which could only add to any lingering fear she might have
had. As a parent, you are always loooking out for your child's health and emotional
happiness, but it is not easy to know how to reassure them that everything will be alright,
when they have proof (and learnt it from a much  too tender age) that there are some things Mommy and Daddy can not fix.

On a lighter note, the return of Daylight Savings Time in early March brought Darrel's
wristwatch back into sync with our current real time. His  alarm again sounds at 8AM
(which is less intrusive that at 7AM, but serves as a dailyphysical reminder of
Darrel regardless) to inform us that Pokemon is about  to start on YTV (and
surprisingly enough a newer version of Pokemon still airs  at that time). The watch
battery still is going strong for now, which doesn't  bother me at all.

After Earth Hour last weekend, we had alot of candles  to be blown out, and the humming
of Happy Birthday was done in Darrel's honour before each one. Rebecca could never keep
a candle lit for long when he was  around. Once the humming of the song was done, soon
a puff of smoke would be all  that was left of the candle's flame (regardless of any
warnings of not to blow  them out). It was just one of those things he enjoyed doing, and
I'm kind of pleased the girls have decided to carry it on as a family tradition.

With what should have been Darrel's 9th birthday coming closer again, it's hard to
believe nearly two years have gone by since we last got to observe the day with him.
May 26th can no longer a happy day to celebrate, but a day to remember a life that 
barely had a chance to begin, and dream what could and should have been for Darrel.