It's 5 months today since Darrel died. I think about him constantly
throughout every day and every night. Whether it be remembering events from
the past, or dreaming about the things that never will be, he is, and always
will be there. It is impossible to express and comprehend how seeing a picture
of Darrel's "smiling eyes" can bring so much joy and sadness all at the same time.
Lately, I also find my thoughts at sort of a crossroads as how to best keep
his memory burning brightly for all those he knew, and/or has touched in some
way. The web pages I've set up for him have often been quite helpful and
comforting for me, yet at others times, they are the very source of my doubts.
Sharing in the good times with these families, also means sharing in more
unpleasant times. I trully want to be there for them, yet at the same time,
there is the risk by doing so of opening up the still very fresh and recent
wounds that have been inflicted upon myself and my family. By taking the time
and effort to share more about Darrel with all of you, am I depriving Rebecca,
the girls, family and friends a certain level of connection, and becoming more
distant to them...or by doing this, am I helping to maintain (the often
debatable) level of sanity I had before this nightmare began?
At the same time, I often wonder if just doing the web pages are enough.
Seeing the amazing and impressive organizations that have been formed around
Alex, Kayla, and Boey in the U.S., and James and Elgin up here in Canada, I
stop and think what or if I could/should do more in Darrel's name? We never
sought or received much exposure in the community over those long two years,
which is probably how Darrel wanted it. He was a little man with many strong
opinions, most of which he kept to himself most of the time. He enjoyed his
privacy, but more than made himself heard if he believed the situation required
it! With the exception of the highly successful promotion done by 'I Love
Chocolate', all other fundraisers were done through the workplaces of various
family members or through the school. Though we live in a small town, it is
surprising how many "claimed" to have not known anything about Darrel's
struggles until after they read his obituary in the paper. This doesn't seem
to provide much of a framework to launch such an endeavour even if I wanted to.
Not to mention that my shifts at work, and very limited technical skills would
create huge obstacles in almost every possible way in such an extensive
undertaking. I realize the examples I mentioned are not very common, but are
definitely special and unique, yet my mind often ponders these questions
All this is compounded with many lingering what ifs and doubts that I've
mentioned in previous blogs. So many important, and life changing decisions
were made since Darrel first complained of pains back in May 2005, it often
makes me second and triple guess about the course we charted with Darrel. When
all is done and said, probably little, if anything, done differently would have
changed the outcome, but maybe...just maybe!!!......but thoughts like that
don't and won't help bring my son back to me.
While I'm sure the inconsistencies and complexities of the above ramblings
would make some psychoanalyst a weathly individual , I also don't think such
attitudes are out of the ordinary or misplaced with all that has happened. It
is often said if you trully believe you have all the anwsers and understand
everything, THAT is when you really help, and you know relatively very little.
have never been one to make such claims, so I guess I'm still as sane or
insane as the rest of the population. Whether that is a good or bad thing, is
yet another subjective question. I guess that brings me back to where this
blog began...stuck at the metaphorical crossroads. While I know that turning
back is unfortunately not an option, the road ahead is still blurred, yet
moving forward is what I must do.
Thank you once again everybody for your continuing concern and support.