"Oh" Christmas Tree
Category: Life


Although neither Rebecca or I felt like it, for the girls sake, we tried to 
 begin moving the house into Christmas mode last weekend.  Picking out the tree 
 seemed like a good place to start.  I took Kira and Lauren out to select a
tree, and right off, they chose one.  It "looked" straight and full, but it
seemed heavier than I was expecting.  Having had alot of freezing rain over the 
previous week, I just assumed that its branches underneath were still covered 
(or that it had just been a year, and I had forgotten how heavy they could be). 
I had a bit of the stump freshly cut off, made sure it was level, and away
home we went. 

Once we tried to up it in the tree stand, the "fun" really began.  After 
tightening it in place, the moment of truth came...and it failed miserablly. 
It immediately fell over with a thud.  In the past this has happened, so we
tied a  few strings from the tree to some plant holders on the ceiling for extra 
support.  They snapped.  After several attempts, we figured it was properly 
secured, and this seemed to be the case.  As the tree warmed up, alot of
melting snow and ice created quite a puddle on the floor.  While annoying, I
again figured that had been the problem with the tree. 

The next day, the tree smell filled the house (which was nice), and more 
importantly, and tree was standing in place (even better).  Despite the
problems  of the previous day, we decided that it was still a keeper.  If
Charlie Brown  could make do with his infamous little tree, we could certainly
get by with this  one.  It was alot quieter decorating without Darrel's help,
and his adding  in his opinions on the progress being made.  Extra care was
taken to hang the  decorations he had made during his stays in the hospital.  In
addition, we had  received a few special ornaments from family and friends in
Darrel's memory.  It  looked Picture Perfect (minus the support strings of
course).  Just as I  finished putting away the decoration boxes in the basement,
a huge crash was  heard from upstairs.  Not only had the tree toppled, but water
from the base  stand was all over the floor, and several of the glass ornamnets
were completely smashed.

It was very disheartening for all of us.  This Christmas was already going 
to be hard enough to cope with this year, without something like this 
happening.  There was quite the mess to clean up, and soon afterwards, the 
****'** tree was out the door.  It turned out the trunk had a substantial curve 
in it, that made the thing forever lop-sided.  Because of the full branches, 
there had been no way to notice this just by looking at it.  While part of me 
just wanted to forget  about a tree for this year, it didn't seem right to 
deprive the girls of a proper family Christmas.

A couple of days later, I went over to the local nursery (Darrel would not 
have believed I would go to such a place on my own, but the situation dictated 
it), picked out an even better "looking" tree, and the process would soon begin 
again.  In addition, Rebecca went out and purchased new decorations for us to 
use.  This time there were no problems, or strings attached to the tree.  This 
time, it WAS Picture Perfect!

In all ways, this will be a different Christmas at the Robb house. With 
Darrel's death, there will be no Transformers or Power Rangers to wrap, and
alot more space under the tree.  Christmas morning will most certainly lack the 
excitement  of a 7 year old boy tearing through gifts looking for anything with 
a "D" on it (often opening up some of mine addressed to Daddy).  The tree
itself has a completely new look and feel to it as well.

In some ways, this is probably a good and healthy thing, but in others, I'd 
rather if we hadn't changed things too much from when Darrel was still with us. 
Moving on is necessary, but breaking with the past is not something that has 
ever come easy for me.  This Christmas will be more about loss than joy, but 
this is to be expected.  The girls will need this holiday probably more than 
anyone else in the family ever has.  They have handled everything thus far 
amazingly well, and I want to do everything I can to keep it that way.

Remembering Darrel and Kayla
Category: Life

It is 3 months today since Darrel died and left his family and friends behind. In many ways it seems like much more time has past, and in others, it feels like it was only yesterday. It 
has also been an emotional week for me with the passing of Kayla Weber. Though 
I've never met Kayla, Julie or Jason, through shared messages with those close 
to her, blogs, and videos, it felt like I did, and for that I am thankful.

Especially with the Christmas season growing close, Darrel's absence is felt that much
more with every passing day. Searching through countless stores looking for a particular Transformer or GameBoy selection (probably would have been the latest Pokemon)
is something that I would love to have had on my Christmas shopping list, but that won't
be the case this year.


I'd like to take this moment to say thank you to all of you for your ongoing concern,
support and kindness given to my family. Communicating with others who have lost
loved ones through Darrel's pages on MySpace and Facebook have often helped in ways
I had not expected. Without the thoughtfulness of family, friends, and others touched
by Darrel in some way, I'm not sure how we would have made it through it all.

Thank You.

The Robb Family

Eulogy 4: Grandpa and Grandma 
 
The below eulogy was written by my parents, John and Helen, for Darrel's funeral.

We loved the little guy with all our hearts.  He has touched so many 
people in his short life -- family, doctor, nurses, friends and friends of friends. 

We are so grateful for the memories and all the things we have shared in 
the past.  The trip to Wonderland with all his family a few months ago was a 
great highlight.  We arrived when the park opened, and he wondered why were 
leaving when the park was closing.  What a wonderful day we had.
 
The constant chatter, sense of humour, jokes, pranks played on Grandpa, 
and the special trips to the Dollar store will never be forgotten.
 
His strength and the amazing way he fought his long battle over the past 
two years should be an inspiration to all of us.

Love Grandpa and Grandma Robb

Eulogy 3: Lauren

The below eulogy was written by Lauren (8), Darrel's brother.
 
My speach may be longer then others or shorter then others.  My speach 
isen't about funny or ambarising storys.  It's about what Darrel loved to do
and  how brave he was getting all those needls.  One of Darrels favourite things
to do was go fishing.  He caugt a mama fish once.  I don't think I fish as well
as him.  Darrel also loved playing video games with Don and swimming with Don. 
He also liked to go to the Doller store and stilling my grandpa Robbs money, 
espically the stilling money part.  He loved rideing the horses at my uncle 
Henerys farm.  I think Darrel was brave haveing to take all of those pills and 
all of that wackey medisin.  I know Darrel is dead but I still love him.
 
 
from Lauren

Eulogy 2: Kira


The below eulogy was written by Kira (10), Darrel's brother.
 
Darrel: A fun loving kid that would do almost anything to bug me.  Darrel 
like many other children died from cancer.
He was a good kid that had a lot to say. Since he is gone we will have to 
say goodbye to his sense of humor and criticism.
Darrel was the funny kid.  In a lot of pictures he closed his eyes.
He loved Henry's horse Daniel and would always want to ride him.  Once on 
Daniel he went too fast and he was freaking out.  Even so, it was funny.
He would most of the time bug me and Grandpa John with food.  Even though 
he did it to me I laughed.
Sometimes we would play hide n' seek.  If Darrel was "It" he would count 
too fast and we would have to boogie.
His funny bone has always been the strongest bone in his body.  You gotta 
hand it to the kid, he would have made a great comedian.  We will all miss him 
and I just wanna let him know he should keep working on his jokes!!
 
Love Kira

Driving Mr. Darrel
Category: Life
 
 
Last week, we took the the girls out of school, and went on our first 
family trip without Darrel.  We went to Niagara Falls, and stayed at the Great 
Wolf Lodge, which has a huge indoor water park.  It had been two years since
any of us really had any fun in the water.  No one had really complained about
that, as they knew Darrel's central line couldn't get very wet, for fear of 
infections, or any other possible problems.  Everyone enjoyed all the Lodge had 
to offer (water slides, wave pool, hot tubs, arcades, yummy food o'plenty...),
and it was nice to get away from home for a while.

Although Darrel's absence was felt throughout our trip, for me, it was most 
present while driving there and back.  Darrel was always a chatter-box, and 
quick to give his opinion on anything and everything.  It was too quiet in the 
Jeep without his unique perspectives on things, and of course, the frequent 
arguments with his sisters.  He was also never shy commenting on what the
driver was doing right or wrong.  The wrath of his displeasure was seldom
focused on me, but mostly at Rebecca or my father when they were the ones
taking him down to Sick Kids in Toronto for an appointment.   They often would
lose 'points' for many differnet infractions, sometimes before they even got to
the end of our street (but especially if they had come across someone on the
401 Mommy had found to be finger-worthy)!  Usually he was just doing this to be
a little 'shit-disturber', but other times he was being quite serious. 
 
I most certainly should have got blasted had he been there, as I missed 
our exit going down to the Falls (adding an extra 30-35 minutes on to the 
trip).  I was very ticked off with myself for this (as this particular mess up 
was totally my fault), but I wish he would have been there to put his spin on 
it.  He probably would have blamed Rebecca for not watching the map more 
closely, or just rolled his eyes, and given the look that told me I screwed 
up....but us guys had to stick together.

His vote will be missed once the gardening season comes upon us again.  
Whenever Rebecca wanted to stop at a nursery we passed along the way, I could 
count on his support to say we should just drive on (of course, Rebecca, not 
democracy, would often rule the day regardless, but we at least put up a united 
front together).  He always gave me trouble for not being there on the times 
when he was dragged into a nursery, and detailed all the horrors that his
mother put him through while he was waiting to get back home.

For his birthday this year, I took him to see the new TMNT movie down in 
Guelph.  I made sure we left extra early, as I wanted to give him a bit of a 
surprise.  We went a a parking lot I knew would be empty, and I let him drive 
the van around for a while.  He didn't know what to think of it at first, but
he eventually tried to turn it into a live action MarioKart adventure!  He
would start cranking the steering wheel hard as he could when I hit the gas,
and sought out every pot hole there was to be found.  I wish I could have seen
his face during all this, but at least one of us had to watch where we were
going!   I remember doing the same thing countless times with my father years
ago, but I'd only get this one chance to do it with Darrel.

Darrel always made those trips in the van (we didn't get the Jeep until 
after his leaving us) something to look forward to....or dread if he was having 
a really bad day.  Even if he was playing with the GameBoy, or watching a
movie,  you knew he was there.  Although he often slept during the longer trips,
he would NEVER admit to doing so (just resting his eyes).   Other than trips to
the hospital in Toronto, there weren't many family trips in the van, but I will 
always look fondly upon those times of Driving Mr. Darrel.

Zelda Returns
Category: Life

I've mentioned many times how the Zelda video  games series meant alot to Darrel
over the past two years. The Wind Waker game  was how Rebecca and Darrel spent
most of their down time during their lengthy hospital stays. A few weeks ago,
Nintendo released the direct sequel to that  game (The Phantom Hourglass) for
their DS system. Although he also enjoyed the Twilght Princess game  that came out
earlier this year, he probably would have liked this one even  more. It picks up right
where Wind Waker concluded, and is very similar in  graphics and sound. Of course,
being for the DS, there are several new playing  options available, which adds so
much more to the game.

Kira picked it up  last Tuesday, and has been playing it non stop ever since. Hearing
the familiar  sounds from the game brings back many memories, but unfortunately
Darrel's  noises and comments while playing it are unavoidably missing. I'm glad
that the joy that The Legend of Zelda has brought to the house is still living
on. Even Rebecca, who only began playing video games because of Darrel, has
shown some interest in continuing the quest to rescue Zelda once more. Darrel
being here to share in it would have made it more special, but that was not to 
be.

One Month After
Category: Life


It's hard to believe that an entire month has past since Darrel left us.  
On certain levels, it seems only like yesterday, yet on others it feels much, 
much longer.  One of the hardest things we had to do was to clear out his old 
room.  Packing up his clothes was especially difficult.  Remembering all the 
times he wore this shirt, or those pants brought back many memories of happier 
times.  We kept quite a selection of his favourites, and donated the rest to 
charity.  Normally we pass clothes no longer needed in the house along to
family and friends with younger children, but I'm not sure if I could handle
that with Darrel's things.  Many of his old toys, movies, and video games were
sent down to the children's clinic at the hospital in Kitchener.  Since the
girls had no interest in the more boy oriented stuff, it seemed like the right
thing to do.   The room would sit empty for a couple days, as we had many
others things on the go around here.  Though it was extremely awkward putting
Kira's things in there, I think it helped a bit seeing the room in use again,
but like everything else, nothing is really that easy to deal with.

There are constant and daily reminders about Darrel where ever we  look.  
Whether it be physical things, or simple words and phrases that were  particular
to him, it is impossible to escape the situation.  For the first week  after his
death, I'd often pull out an extra fork to set the table with, but  then realize
it wouldn't be needed anymore.  We also had to move his chair away  from the
dinner table, as seeing it sit there empty didn't help matters at all.   Every
morning at 8 AM, the alarm on his little blue and yellow wrist watch still  goes
off.  Darrel wanted it set to make sure he was up in time to watch  Pokemon. 
While flipping through the channels on the TV, I often come across  other show
he enjoyed watching.  I sometimes find myself stopping on them,  remembering his
comments about that particular episode, or him preparing to hide  his face if he
thought a kissy scene was coming up.

I've been back to work for two weeks now, and dealing with some co-workers 
can be quite trying sometimes.  Many are surprised and/or concerned that I've 
returned so fast since the events unfolded.  At the time, it had been two weeks 
since Darrel had died...and most companies only give 3 to 5 days for a grieving 
period, so I felt fortunate enough as it was.  Of course, there are still those 
who don't know what to say, and those who still say the wrong things, but I
know their intentions were good (well most of them anyways).  It isn't always
easy, but nothing about losing your seven year old son should be.

Although I didn't expect to help as much as it seems to, I think having his 
cremated remains still in the house is somewhat comforting.  While other things 
around the place bring up alot of emotions and memories, seeing the urn there 
reminds me that he is now free from pain and suffering, and finally at peace.  
Being able to say good morning, good night, or have little chats about my  day
with him, without leaving the house, often helps remove the sense of loss  for a
short time.  He was always quick  with a snappy and straight to the point 
response, and I often imagine hearing him reply in his usual fashion.  Then of 
course the realization of it all creeps back in, but at least I did have the 
few brief personal moments with him before hand.  We may chose to scatter
and/or bury his ashes further down the road, but for now it seems right.  At
the moment, everybody and everything are doing better than probably expected,
so there is no need or desire to alter our plans at the moment.

Thanksgiving was just yesterday, and it was the first of many holidays 
without Darrel with us.  It was alot quieter at my parents house, and we had 
more time to visit with everybody than we have had in a long time.  A special 
meal didn't need to be prepared to meet a certain person's unique tastes, nor 
was the TV loudly blaring over those of us trying to have a conversation.  The 
sun was shining, and it was warm enough to require shorts and even turning on 
the air conditioning  on an October afternoon in Canada.  While to an outsider 
these things might sound ideal and desirable, the lack of disruption made the 
day seem somewhat more empty and colder for me.  Considering what had happened 
over the last two years, and the last month especially, it was difficult to be 
overly thankful about anything regardless.

With two of Darrel's favourite times of the year coming up soon, his 
absence will be felt strongly.  He had already placed some special requests for 
Halloween and Christmas in, though I would love to do so, I won't be able to 
fulfil them this time.  We tried to do, and get for him whatever he wanted as 
soon as we could, but now our focus must turn to the wants and needs of the 
girls.  The upcoming holidays will also take their toll of them, and we will 
have to be prepaerd as much as possible for that as well.
 
People often say it will get easier to deal with this over time, but I 
don't want it to.  The way Darrel handled dealing with cancer often gave the 
impression that it wasn't that bad, but that most certainly wasn't the case.  
Coming to terms with the emotions is one thing, but I never want to look back
at any of this and think it was easy.   That being said, if he could look
cancer and death in the face, and still find enough reason to laugh and smile,
what right do any of us have to do any less.

*************************
 
 
ROBB, Darrel Wesley (2000-2007) — Died, and left us far too early, 
surrounded by his family, at his home in Fergus, on September 9, 2007 at the
age of 7. After two very long and emotional years, he was unable to win his
struggle with neuroblastoma cancer. His body may have been defeated, but his
mind and spirit were never broken at any time. Darrel will be forever loved and
missed by his parents Stephen and Rebecca. Brother to Kira and Lauren, who will
remember his laughter, his smile and arguing with him over the simple things
children always do. Grandson to John and Helen Robb and Joe and Carol Webers,
who will treasure all the adventures they shared with him over his brief time
with us.  Darrel was also a nephew to Bryan Robb and Amy Anticknap, Steven and
Debbie Webers, Loralie and Don Klaehn and David Webers. Cremation has taken
place.  Visitations for family and friends were held on Thursday, September 13,
2007.  The funeral was officiated by Reverend Herb Klaehn on Friday, September
14, 2007. Arrangements for both were entrusted to the Graham A. Giddy Funeral
Home in Fergus. For those who wish, memorial donations may be directed to the
Grand River Hospital Children's Outpatient Clinic.

Wake Me Up When September Ends 
Category: Music


This song will be forever linked with Darrel for me.  When Darrel was originally diagnosed, this Green Day song was moving up the charts...it was September 2005.  Hearing that he had cancer came as quite a blow to us all.  Hoping that moving away from that time would allow 
for the situation to change for the better never did materialize.

When Darrel did finally leave us, it was earlier this month, on September 9th, he was only 7.  Those seven years most certainly did go much too fast.  The roller coaster of emotions and pain involved through this entire ordeal will also effect who we are now, and more
importantly who the girls will become in the future.
 
 
"Wake Me Up When September Ends"
Green Day

Summer has come and passed
The innocent can never last
Wake me up when September ends

Like my fathers come to pass
Seven years has gone so fast
Wake me up when September ends

Here comes the rain again
Falling from the stars
Drenched in my pain again
Becoming who we are

As my memory rests
But never forgets what I lost
Wake me up when September ends

Summer has come and passed
The innocent can never last
Wake me up when September ends

Ring out the bells again
Like we did when spring began
Wake me up when September ends

Here comes the rain again
Falling from the stars
Drenched in my pain again
Becoming who we are

As my memory rests
But never forgets what I lost
Wake me up when September ends

Summer has come and passed
The innocent can never last
Wake me up when September ends

Like my father's come to pass
Twenty years has gone so fast
Wake me up when September ends
Wake me up when September ends
Wake me up when September ends

(Originally Posted Sept 30/07)